Out gay dating

In today’s advice column ¡Hola Papi! by John Paul Brammer, we address how shallowness and gay culture have all too much in common. By John Paul Brammer March 18 2019 1:28 PM EDT But as the number of out LGBTQ people has grown, so too have their opportunities in online dating spaces. Queer-friendly dating apps and sites are multiplying, and there are even a few that are ... Gay Dating. Date safe With unique privacy and moderation policies elitesingles messaging and meeting gay Soulmates simple, secure and stress-free. Guyliner shares his top 10 gay with tips elitesingles help you bag a great date. Dating Locations. The key is connecting with people with share the same outlook and are upfront about it. Success Stories. The more gay men you have contact with – and I’m not just talking sex here – the more likely you are to normalise what living as a gay man will mean for you, should you decide to come out. Being exposed to a gay “lifestyle” will, usually, make you even more determined to live your truth. J.K. Dobbins Will Pay Off Sooner Than Expected Sam Wallace September 16, 2020 NFL Out of all the senior dating sites out there, OurTime is the best weekend for gay singles over 50 who are looking for a meaningful relationship. Quick Links. From a vast and energetic user base did we mention more than 1. Your doubts? Try Best for free before fully committing. As the editor-in-chief of DatingAdvice. Gay Dating. Status message ... Free Gay Dating . Gay Online Dating By Location View profiles from all over the world or look for a specific location. AllMale brings men from all over together in new ways. Browse local guys below or select a region you wish to view. Register for free, share as much or as little as you'd like and become part of a quickly growing online community.

A Place to talk (or bitch) about your relationship

2012.09.19 01:17 JohnnyMujo A Place to talk (or bitch) about your relationship


2018.03.08 21:57 ClassyAnalViolator Dating After Thirty / Dating Over Thirty / Dating as a grown-up is more fun.

Dating After Thirty / Dating Over Thirty / Dating as a grown-up is more fun.

2018.08.08 00:28 Civiltactics Late bloomer lesbians: for those still figuring things out

Some of us are married to men, some of us are dating them, and some of us are chronically single. But we well have one thing in common: we are late to the coming out game. A place for queer, gay, bi, pan, lesbian and questioning humans to share, give advice, and receive support! We welcome discussions that explore what life looks like or could look like as a “late bloomer” lesbian. This includes conversations around sexuality, sensuality, life, friendships, random thoughts, fun, and more.

2020.09.22 18:05 movieboy711 Should I wait for my boyfriend to have a fulltime job before he moves in with me?

I (24M) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for a little over a year and a half. I currently rent a two-bedroom apartment by myself for $1250 a month. Previously, I lived with one of my friends as a roommate at a previous apartment but this year he decided to move in with his gf so I had to find my own place.
During that process of finding a place, my boyfriend and I talked about moving in together. We both liked the idea but we realized it might not immediately happen. He still works part-time at $15 an hour. Fortunately, I make $78k a year with the only debt being my government student loans (ugh). We agreed that it might be best for him to move in when he's able to find a better job. This was back in March. It's now September and despite months of trying still now good job offers. Meanwhile, I'm settled into the new place and we both spent time making it ours (he contributed with the furniture costs).
So I'm wondering whether it would just be smart to have him move in sooner and pay what he can until he can find a fulltime position that pays better? Right now, I'm comfortable with my finances. I'm still able to save 20% of my paycheck after paying rent and other things. And I have vacation money leftover and 6 months of emergency money set aside. So it's not like I financially need him to move in. But still, if he pays even a little, that's still money I'm saving.
And of course, he's my boyfriend. So I'm very biased in wanting him with me and waking up next to and him and stuff.
I guess my hesitations to him moving in right now is:

I feel like it might not be the most responsible thing? Idk, I feel like if he was a friend coming to me for advice I would advise to wait just so that he's completely financially protected. This just might be because I'm very risk-averse myself. Before I moved out of my parents and with a roommate, I literally went over my finances 100 times covering all of my bases and even my roommate's finances. I even set up a Google spreadsheet for both of us to fill out.
He's gay and not out to his conservative parents. Soo...worse case is that what if we break up for some reason and he's unable to simply move back home. Being a little more financially secure might help there. He currently doesn't have any debt at all thanks to his parents.
Kinda minor, but I also feel like the dynamic of one partner working part-time while the other working full-time might be strange. Especially during this age of quarantine when we're all working from home.

So what is the smart thing to do? Just to add, my boyfriend is not against any of this. It's just when I talk to other close friends and family they all just say "Have him move in and just chip in." So I wonder if I'm just being anal about all this.
submitted by movieboy711 to personalfinance [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 17:51 LJWill91 I am 29 years old, make $170,000 base (plus $30-40,000 bonus and $30,000 vesting stock), live in Seattle and work as a Creative Project Manager in Tech

A little about me: I'm 29, British and Queer :) I moved from England to the US as part of a work transfer three years ago and love Seattle. My life has changed a lot over the past few years, I realized I was gay, moved to Seattle, stopped talking to my toxic mum, had a lotttttt of therapy and moved in with my partner, L. My financial knowledge has gone from 0-60 in the past three years thanks to personalfinance, a few finance books and moneydiariesactive. I'm an open book so ask any qs you'd like! I hope you enjoy!
Section One: Assets and Debt
Net Worth: $283,000
Retirement Balance:
401k $30,000
UK 401k $22,000
Index Funds $155,000
(Tip: I used the bankrate.com retirement calculator to figure out how much I actually need to invest for retirement each year. This really cleared up what I need to invest as a minimum each year to hit my retirement target, before I can decide what to live off and save for shorter term purchases e.g. a house.)
Equity if you're a homeowner:
$52,000 in an apartment in the UK (worth $275,000) that I’m selling right now. I bought it with my ex-boyfriend five years ago and loved living there at the time, but owning it since moving to the US has been a bad idea – it hasn’t gone up in value at all since I purchased in 2015, the rent my tenants pay doesn’t cover the mortgage and it requires lots of costly maintenance.
When I bought it, I received $12,000 towards a down payment from my mum. I have three brothers and I'm expecting brothers 2 and 3 to receive the same, but not brother 1, so I'm planning to give half of the $12,000 to him when the sale goes through.
Also, when I sell, I either owe $0, $15,000 or $30,000 to the US government as part of a tax law that assumes I've made profit because of changing exchange rates. Every accountant I speak to has a different answer, so let's see in January! At some point I'll use the rest of the money towards a down payment for a house in the US.
Savings account balance:
Emergency Fund $17,500
Holiday Fund $7,000
Fun Money $4500 (I might end up investing half of this in index funds)
Fund to cover capital gains tax for my 2020 tax bill $2029
Checking account balance:
I leave $1,500 per pay check in my account for living costs, plus enough to cover my rent and bills. I pay for all of my living costs on an Amex Delta credit card to get points and pay it off in full each month.
Credit card debt: $0
Student loan debt: $0. I completed a music degree in England (this cost $35,000 for three years of tuition, rent and living costs). My parents paid for my tuition, rent and 50% of my living costs, and I worked for them during the holidays to cover 50% of my living costs. Once I joined the working world, I realized how much of a big deal it was that they paid for my education and what a head start it gave me having no student debt. I am very grateful.
Anything else that’s applicable to you:
I had a privileged start, my parents paid for my education and I received $12,000 towards a house down payment. I graduated from University at 21, and whilst I have been financially independent since then, there is an emotional safety net that comes with knowing I could go home to my Dad if I needed to.
After working in England from 21-26, I moved to Seattle with $20,000 saved for retirement, $40,000 in my UK apartment and no other savings. My salary doubled moving to the US and as a result I’ve been able to save a lot over the past few years. A few years ago, my Dad suggested I read How To Own The World. It gave me a really great introduction to lots of different aspects of finance (inflation, saving, types of accounts, retirement etc) so I read a few other finance books, started following personalfinance and have had a massive shift in my attitude towards finances.
Section Two: Income and Income Progression
I graduated with a music degree aged 21 and decided that, although I loved music, I wasn't passionate enough to fight for a career in such a competitive field. Instead, I decided I'd like to explore a career that involved lots of people interaction and could pay well: sales. Since then I've ended up working in sales, marketing and engineering, all in tech.
- 2013 - $25,000 - I joined a tech company as a sales graduate selling Healthcare software. Direct selling wasn't a great match for my skillset.
- 2014 - $37,000 plus $30,000 in commission - After nine months, my manager suggested I moved to a technical sales role in the same company and I was given a $12,000 raise. I loved this role! Lots of presenting in formal sales processes.
- 2015 - $47,000 plus $30,000 bonus - After playing a major part in $3.5 million in sales in one year, I negotiated an additional $10,000.
- 2016 - $70,000 plus $30,000 bonus and a $5,000 stock award (vesting over 5 years) - I moved to a big tech company in a similar technical sales role and my salary jumped significantly.
- 2018 - $137,000 plus $30,000 bonus, an end of year $25,000 stock award (vesting over 5 years) and a one off $25,000 stock award for good performance (vesting over five years) - I relocated with the same company to the US in a marketing role and my salary doubled!
- 2019 - $160,000 plus $30,000 bonus and a $25,000 stock award (vesting over 5 years) - I took a new role in engineering as a Creative PM and my salary increased by 15%. A major driver for moving was being told promotions were off the table in my old team unless you had been in role for three years.
- 2020 - $170,000 plus $42,000 bonus and a $48,500 stock award (vesting over five years) - I was promoted in role and my salary increased.
It blows my mind that I earn this much money for a role that I enjoy so much. I'm very lucky.
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $8,500 per month, after maxing my 401k, contributing $510 to my HSA and healthcare/taxes etc.
Any Other Income:
Having received stock awards every year for the past 5 years, I now have stock vesting every year that adds up to about $30,000 pre-tax. I immediately sell and invest in diversified index funds via Vanguard to minimize the risk that would come with having a large amount of my savings in the same company that pays my paycheck (if the company tanks, I'd lose my job and the stock would plummet in value).
I also receive an annual bonus of between 15-30%. This year it was 27% (an amazing, unexpected surprise), it’s usually around 20%. Last year I invested 90% and spent 10% on a vacation to Japan. This year it was a lot higher, so I invested 66%, saved 21% for moving costs/vacations next Summer and kept the rest as a fun fund.
I also get $1050 in rent for my UK apartment, but the mortgage is $1150, so I make a loss.
My income is completely separate to my partner, L. We take turns paying for groceries/meals out/trips and assume it evens out to 50/50. Right now, I earn a lot more than L, who is a medical resident and earns about $100,000, with no student debt, but we both live off about the same amount per year as I'm focused so heavily on investing.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent and utilities: $1,300/month for my half of a two bed, two bath in Fremont. I moved in with L, last month and we split the rent 50/50. Previously my rent was $2060/month for an open one bed in the Capitol Hill.
Extra costs for UK mortgage/management company fees: $500 Investment/savings: Until this month, I was investing $2,000- $2,500. Now that I’ve reached my investment target for the year (a combination of my bonus, savings and vested stock), I’m re-routing that to a savings fund in a HYSA for next Summer. I’m planning to relocate to the East Coast with L, and hoping to take the summer off between jobs.
Donations: $130/month to Black Lives Matter, Save the Children, an LGBT charity in England and a COVID relief fund. These are also matched by my employer 100%.
Cellphone: $30 in a shared plan with some friends
Wifi: $60 Subscriptions: Netflix $15, Amazon $14, AppleCare $12
Regular therapy: $160/month for two sessions with my UK therapist and $180/session roughly every 2-3 weeks with my tantra coach.
Living: I budget $3000 per month for living, therapy and tantra.
COVID-19: In current COVID times in Seattle, cases are being managed well by the city, we are in phase 2 and can meet up with 5 people per week who aren't in our household network and can go to restaurants with people in our household.
7am - Bonus day! I start to think about what to do with some of the money in my fun fund. On my wishlist: Glittery Dr Martens 🥾, a vacuum that also steams floors, everything on the Olive website and lift tickets for 🎿 over winter.
8am - Work work work work work 🎶 Every day starts with calls with my team in India to review their product configuration progress. My role focuses around writing product pitches/demonstrations that sellers will deliver to customers. My days are spent talking to sellers about common customer requests, writing narratives to present the value of the products and designing screens to be built by my engineers/consultants.
9am - I spend $50 on an Amazon order for 🧼,🧴and English 🍫.
12pm - I accidentally start a small kitchen fire heating some heat pads in L’s dutch oven. The fire department was involved🔥😭
2pm - I have a call with a design lead about potential roles in their team. I'd love to expand my skillset into videos and 🙋🏼‍♀️
3pm - Our Imperfect Foods box arrives. This week we got eggs, veggies, fruits, goats cheese and gnocchi. $25, but I paid for this last week.
5pm - I go for an early dinner with L at Manolin to celebrate my bonus/destress after the fire🍴🍷 Restaurants are open in Seattle at 50% capacity and everyone wears masks. I pay. $150
8pm - Listen to records with L 🎶 and fall asleep at 9.30.
Total: $200
8am - More calls, more feedback, more unblocking the engineers👩🏼‍💻
10am - I FaceTime catch up with my Dad ❤️ He just bought a house in the English countryside with his partner, L, and he gives me more excited updates about how renovations are going.
2pm - I get some excellent feedback about yesterday’s call, the manager wants me in his team 🙌🏻
6pm - Vegetarian taco night and cocktails with L ❤️🌮
8pm - I order a replacement pan after destroying L’s. $198
8.30pm - We start watching Normal People 📺
Total: $198
10am - My youngest brother schedules his first therapy appointment! 🙌🏻 I have three brothers and two are at high school or university and aren’t working. I believe we would all benefit from therapy, so this year I offered to pay for both of them. Now all four of us have been at some point ❤️ $59
12pm - Fire fighting at work, trying to fix products that keep breaking in time to deliver product demos to sellers next week 🔥💻
3pm - I do a trial recording with my colleague for a broadcast next week. 🎥🎞 The broadcast goes out to somewhere between 250,000-1,000,000 people. The broadcast is usually in a studio, but because of covid we’re shooting at home this time.
5pm - L comes home with a cuuuute new haircut 💁🏻‍♀️ and a new burner ring for our stove after it was damaged in the 🔥. L pays.
7pm - We make pizzas 🍕 and talk about what time togetheco existing/apart looks like for each of us. Moving in together is big and it helps to understand what makes each other feel good/not so good. The conversation is emotional and really helpful.
Total: $59
8am - I have a morning of calls with India/England/US agreeing next steps/fire fighting 🔥
11am - I reflect on how writing a money diary is making me feel guilty about spending money, even if my “normal” spending fits into my budget and my “fun” spending comes from my bonus. One to talk about in therapy I think.
4pm - Another busy afternoon jumping between calls. A good rehearsal for the broadcast ✔️ good feedback on our demo content ✔️ next week planned out in Outlook ✔️
5pm - I meet with my tantra coach for a two hour session. I originally started going to see them to learn more about sex (🙌🏻) but have learned that tantra is much bigger than that, it’s an eastern tradition that is centered around connecting with your heart and body and being present. It’s had a massive impact on my ability to get out of my head. Today we focused on simple body exercises to get me more connected to my body. $200
7pm - L started a 30 hour shift this morning so I have a solo date night ❤️ bath-time + Quorn chicken nugget wraps (I love eating in the bath 😆) + TikTok ✌🏻
Total: $200
8am - I wake up and listen to Jameela Jamil and Katherine Ryan in the iWeigh podcast.
9am - I meditate 🧘🏼‍♀️. I started meditating 3-7 times per week six months ago using the Headspace app and it was a great intro. I’ve been resisting meditating for the past two weeks, and going to see my tantra coach has given me the umph to start again today. I do 20 minutes unguided.
10am - L comes home from work and we catch up before they sleep 💤 I spend the day in the bath, reading The Untethered Soul, eating fake sausage patties, eggs and sautéed tomatoes on toast, on reddit, watching Normal People and napping 🛀📚
6pm - I see my two best friends, N&V, a queer couple in Seattle ❤️ they know how to make me feel loved and buy all of my favorite foods for dinner ❤️ I uber there and back wearing a mask. $30
Total: $30
10am - I spend the morning eating eggs, veggies and fake chorizo, reading The Untethered Soul and The Simple Path to Wealth in the bath, and meditating.
1pm - I FaceTime my Dad and his partner, L ❤️
2pm - L and I spend the afternoon watching Ratchet, snoozing and walking to Gas Works park to get some fresh air.
6.30pm - We cook veggie bolognese with gnocchi and have some quality time after a crazy month of shifts for L.
10pm - L crashes and I order a Dyson vacuum with some of my bonus money #thisis29. $385
Total: $385
7am - I wake up and meditate🧘🏼‍♀️
8am - Catch up calls with the India team. I have a fairly slow morning after that, agreeing deliverables for the week with our team.
12pm - I make sweet potato tacos for lunch using up ingredients in the fridge 🙌🏻🌮
4pm - I do a recording for the broadcast on Wednesday. Oh hey there hair, makeup and formal work clothes, where have you been hiding? 💄
5.30pm - L and I listen to a Lake Street Dive concert online on the porch 🎵
7.30pm - L buys groceries and we head for a socially distanced picnic outside.
Total: $0
Food + Drink: $160
Fun / Entertainment: $0
Home + Health: $644
Clothes + Beauty: $40
Transport: $30
Other: $198
Weekly Total: $1072
Lastly, reflect on your diary!
Writing this diary was good for me! It made me see some of the small, happy moments that happen each day.
All in all, apart from the vacuum that I bought with my bonus, this is average spending for me. I'm very conscious of not spending more than $700/week. This means if I have more expensive days, like days when I have to pay for therapy or tantra, I'll make sure I balance it out on other days.
I feel incredibly lucky that I have a high salary that gives me an incredibly good quality of life and enables me to save for the future. I have an "it's too good to be true" fear, so I'm focused on investing a lot right now to set myself up long term.
submitted by LJWill91 to MoneyDiariesACTIVE [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 17:38 throwaway8383880 Dear R

Hello! This is a letter.
I fully respect your decision and you don’t even have to reply to this, (fuck I doubt I’ll even send this, if I ever do I’ve probably gone insane and I beg you to just delete it.) I am just writing this to you to get it off my chest so I can move on.
I’ve liked you since I was 15 years of age. You were that quiet, dorky girl who was actually extremely pretty but no one else had seemed to notice it yet. But boy would they. I thought you were like me. Minus the pretty part. Honestly back then I wasn’t a very happy or confident person. To be honest it’s only really been the last few years I’ve been really working on myself to become the person that I want to be. However, one of my happiest memories of that time of my life was sitting with you in business studies and we kept taking it in turns playing doodle jump on my 8gb iPod touch. You smiled, you laughed, I melted. Fuck that sounds really gay. Even for me. What the fuck am I even saying? I don’t know a whole lot about attracting women but even I know that’s a massive lady boner killer. Story of my life I guess?
Anyway where was I? Errrm how are you anyway? Did the client you submitted for the systems admin position get accepted? I remember you saying that was a shitty role to try and fill. Oh right this a letter and not an actual conversation. Oh yeah I remember where I was now. Basically I never said anything to you back then as I thought you were to good for me. Like I wasn’t worthy as someone as awesome as you. I know deep down you really do care about your family and friends. I’ve seen it. And heard about it. Again and again. Honestly that’s why I think I like you so much. I wish I cared as much as you do. Even if you do sometimes hide it underneath that sarcastic resting bitch face facade. Seriously you’re not falling anyone.
After school I never really thought I’d see you again. Until that one Christmas even when I did. I know I messaged you something that night in my incredibly drunken state. Fun story: my dad told me that I came home holding a traffic cone and that I kissed him and told him I love him. Anyway I have no idea what I actually said as I believe I tried to delete it out of embarrassment and shame but I’m sure it only deleted it for me and that you saw it. I felt so shitty about that for so many years. I know it was cringe and I’ve never done anything like that before or since. I managed to avoid you after that for like 3 years. It wasn’t until right after we both graduated university that we finally spoke again. I was terrified when I learned that you would also be attending (Redacted’s) costume party. Scared you would still think of me as that creepy asshole. But then you came over and sat with me on that bench outside. You asked me how I was and everything I’ve been up to. Even though we never addressed it I knew this meant that we were okay. You know I’m not just some creepy asshole and that I’m just a nob head who made a drunken mistake. You don’t know how much that meant to me.
Since then we became friends I guess? Over the next few years there was many hangouts, many conversations, many dances, many cuddles, many kisses on the cheek, hell you’ve even told me you loved me several times. I will never forget the first time you said it to me in (redacted). There was even a couple of occasions when you invited me to come back to your place with you. You don’t know how badly I wanted to say yes. But it my mind you were drunk, and it would’ve been wrong for me to say yes. I’ve never wanted to just bang you and move on, I’ve wanted to date you, get to know you etc. I’ve had enough meaningless flings at this point in my life to know that it doesn’t make me happy.
So this pretty much brings us up to the present. We met for the first time after a global pandemic to go on staycation with the rest of the group. After I asked you on a date. You said that you think it’s best if we just stay friends. You said it nicest way possible. Not gonna lie, it fucking stung, but still, thanks. And now I’m writing you this letter. Because in my journey to better myself I’ve discovered the power of journaling and unsent (please for the love of god I pray you never read this) letters. It clears my mind. It gets things off my chest. I feel better now that I’ve written this. You know, despite everything, I’m so glad that I got to know you and hope that I keep continuing to know you. You’ve made my life so much brighter. Thanks for everything (Redacted), I love you.
Your friend always,
(Redacted) x
submitted by throwaway8383880 to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 17:34 thatboredboiii Am I in love with my best friend?

So my best friend (22 M) and I (22 M) have been friends since kindergarten. We grew up together, attending the same school until I changed schools in high school. We sort of drifted apart then, but have since reconnected and update each other about our lives almost constantly, despite only meeting like once or twice a year (since we also attended different colleges which were miles away from each other).
We treated each other like brothers. We are each other's vent buddy when we are stressed, we are each other's hype man when we need support or a pick me up, that sort of thing. Despite only interacting through the internet with occassional meetups every year or so, we still managed that level of closeness.
He came out to me as gay during college, and he was thrilled that I wasn't at all weirded out or treated him different. As for me, I identify as bicurious myself, although I never experimented with guys, and my best friend doesn't know because I haven't found the right moment yet. Back to the point, we would share to each other about our love lives as well. In the past though, he only shared to me his one relationship that ended badly that he put off dating for a while. On his end, he was always supportive of my dating shenanigans.
But recently, he told me that over the course of quarantine, he had talked to a guy and they hit it off. They've been steady for a few weeks now, despite only communicating online.
I don't understand why but when he told me, aside from being happy for him because he sounded so happy being in a relationship, I felt conflicted. I felt a bit hurt and jealous. Is it because I'm not used to the thought of him in a relationship (which he explicitly told me, not sure if he had relationships he never told me about)? Is it because I'm afraid he'd lose time for me? Or am I jealous because I have fallen for him?
submitted by thatboredboiii to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 17:33 ihugya How to create confidence on myself while living with my toxic parents?

I am a 21F and do therapy on and off since I was 17 (I was only allowed to after multiple attempts and self harm, my parents first option when they found out was to take me to the church pastor and pray to take the ' depression demon away' By talking to my therapists and studying psychology I learned that parents create kids confidence and sense of independence. Since I was a sick kid(multiple surgeries and different problems related to my health) my mom always told me I could never live without her, specially because of my mental issues. My mom makes sure to always comment on my physical attributes, the shape of my face, how noticeable my scoliosis is, how I don't have a but, how my curly hair is messy... Even the fact that I don't have many friends. She says it is all to make me improve myself but yeah, it doesn't work like that. Everytime I cry because of something she says: see? You are mentally unstable. How can you ever live away from me? They are very religious and I am Pan, which they said they would spank me if they knew that I was dating girls again. My father is absolutely cold and authoritarian. He calls my mom a lot of awful names and doesn't allow me to express my opinions(the ones he doesn't agree with, like gay rights) at home(even if someone asks me ) They are both homophobic, my mom, when she found out, use to tell me everyday that I am going to hell for it. Therapists have tried talking to my family about it. That I am sensitive to words and need help/encouragement. She says I manipulate the doctors (all 6 of them) to make them see her as a bad mother which I wouldn't say she is. She just really doesn't know how to care for my feelings. She has stated that she feels my pain more than I do. While saying that I don't need medication because I am just being dramatic or I need to go to church. I am in college and plan on leaving them in 2 years. But my need for advice is more on how to learn to be more positive, I worry on being as toxic as them, even tho I try not to. How can I boost my confidence on myself while living here? How to look pass what my parents say? I have an absolutely lovely boyfriend and he is very supportive of me which helps but it's been 21 years listening to my mom calling me 'useless' for not being able to get up sometimes.
submitted by ihugya to Advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 17:22 SillyRabbitSaysHello What is genuine attraction even. I think I might be doing this questioning thing backwards.

So I've been seriously questioning my sexuality for the past couple of weeks and everything is very confusing right now, partly because I haven't really found other stories similar to mine. I seem to be going about this questioning thing backwards.
I relate to most of the CompHet bullets concerning men and I think I can somewhat confidently say that I don't find men attractive and don't want to date them. I get very uncomfortable when subjected to male attention and I have a history of ducking out of het relationships the minute I feel like the other person was actually interested in me. When I had het sex I felt disconnected, almost analytical and I kind of wanted it to be over almost as soon as it began.
The question that trips me up, is whether or not I am attracted to women. I've never fantasised about women before I started questioning, and I don't remember any of those 'oh I should have known' moments from my childhood. I am 24 and I don't remember ever looking at a girl and wanting to kiss her before I started questioning. Now I do think women are pretty and I do want to try being with them, but I don't know if these thoughts are authentic. I've been wondering if I was asexual for years because I don't seem to look at anyone and immediately find them hot or get crushes, but I do sometimes meet a girl and think 'oh I really want to know her'. The thing is though, I do want sex even if I don't think I want it with men, so I'm trying to sort out how that fits.
I am also trying to dismantle some internalised homophobia that is making everything harder. Despite living in a pretty accepting community, I never actually saw or met any lesbians growing up, and I have a very vivid memory of learning about gay people and thinking 'I hope I won't be one'. I have later in my life gone to great lengths to avoid lesbian content (not watching the later seasons of shows I liked, avoiding movies etc.) And this only applies to lesbians mind you, I've long been overly invested and openly supportive of LGBTQ+ people. But you'd think if I was repressing an attraction to women it would have manifested somehow.
No one but me can answer my questions for me, but I was curious if there were ladies out there who could relate and who came out on the other side as a lesbian. I've felt very alone in this experience of questioning so far, despite talking with some of my friends about it. The thought of actually just being straight fills me with melancholy, and I think I'll just get a dog and die alone.
submitted by SillyRabbitSaysHello to latebloomerlesbians [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 16:50 knackerbuddy Am I on the asexual spectrum or am I just really bad in bed?

27/gay male/Europe. I am also on the autistic spectrum and I am super clumsy, perhaps mild dispraxia.

tldr: I feel very uncomfortable with sex and specifically with anal and I'd like to know if anybody has any advice regarding this so I feel more secure and confident.

I have been out and active since about my early twenties. I am a late bloomer and only had so much as my first kiss and oral in my early twenties. This makes me feel very insecure, because most gay guys I know started well before their 20's. I just feel as if I have very little experience, due to being raised in a very religious Christian family. It took me until my early 20's to accept for myself that I am gay and going to live my life as a secular gay person.

I do not feel secure in the bedroom. I do date guys, and sometimes we end up in bed, and I do enjoy sex and I do fantasize about sex. But I do not feel secure and confident in the bedroom at all. I feel as if I have now gotten pretty okay at oral and the like, but anal for me is the area where I feel the most anxious. I have had very negative experiences with it, where I wouldn't be able to get it up due to my anxiety as a top, and as a bottom I am just completely unable to relax and it hurts. I also really have a lot of trouble indicating my boundaries and also detecting what the other person wants, I am often too cautious and don't take initiative.

I just don't know if maybe I am some kind of asexual, or if I am just really anxious and bad in bed. I also don't know how I can improve this. I have never been in a relationship, I sometimes date and I can even do hookups but I often just don't feel comfortable about it at all. I feel a if I am just not a complete person, feeling so insecure about my sexuality at such n old age and after having had enough 'practice' by now.

This insecurity causes me to often just avoid dating in the first place unless I find the guy super interesting. And once I met a super attractive guy in the gay bar and he wanted to come home with me to have sex, which normally I would have liked to do but because the whole sex thing makes me feel so incredibly anxious, I just drank a whole lot of alcohol and then said I was too drunk and went home by myself to kill the anxiety. I am very reluctant about showing interest in people because I am afraid that they just expect someone with more sexual prowess and skills. I just feel like a loser for not being comfortable providing myself and my partner what they want in the bedroom and making it all very complicated.

I wish I had the confidence to just say that I am an asexual or something. But I don't really think I am because I think about sex all the time. I just feel really lost and I wonder if anybody has been at this stage before and has some advice for what I could do.
submitted by knackerbuddy to askgaybros [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 16:36 ScrotumHair Men who've had abusive mothers or abusive female figures growing up, how has it affected your ability to date someone? What is the status of your current relationship with the abusive woman figure?

I guess, this could be extended to gay men with abusive fathers too (My Point being, abusive figure of the same sex as you're interested in dating). Men with abusive mothers tend to go for abusive/controlling women to date . How do you actually move out of that abusive system/mindset and trust another woman?

Also, how is your relationship with the said abusive mother? Do you still talk or stay in contact? How do you put up with the "BUT, I'M HIS MOTHER. He should maintain good relations with his mother."?
submitted by ScrotumHair to AskMen [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 16:28 BladeRunner2098 Dating in the current year is awful and it's going further downhill.

Once upon a time my standards for a relationship were common and now they're becoming harder harder to meet. People have become so wrapped up in "pre-screening" everyone with dating apps that you can rarely meet someone organically anymore. Nowadays you're just viewed as a creep if you as much as make small talk at a coffee shop. Men have simped so hard over the last few decades that countless women have Onlyfans accounts and/or Fetlife profiles and it seems like monogamy is becoming a thing of the past. When you bring up you want to be exclusive with someone, now they might look at you like you have six heads. Dating apps are primarily full of single mothers, gold diggers, sex workers, addicts, people who claim they want "no hookups" but are only interested in hooking up, poly couples, and the morbidly obese who don't take care of themselves. I've been back on these apps for less than a week and I have yet to see a single profile within surrounding cities that don't have those redflags. I will clarify the only reason why single mothers are a red flag. It's because you'll become attached to and love a child you have no right to that can be taken out of your life at any moment.
That's just the women. The gay and bi men are just as bad in their own way. With them it's allllll about sex. When I came out I very quickly found out how women must feel dealing with all this unprovoked thirst from straight dudes. I am ashamed of the majority of my gender because they will simp over every mediocre woman, giving almost all of them this overestimate of their actual market value. It's not the women's fault either that men simp, so I can't blame them for how they've become. If men started to become selective and actually had the slightest shred of integrity, morals, and standards then I can guarantee you within a few years the attitudes of women would change and society would be overall better from it. My thirsty gender has ruined everything.
Is it really so much to ask for a normal monogamous relationship without any of these things? My ancestors would be turning over in their graves if they knew just how bad people would get.
submitted by BladeRunner2098 to rant [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 16:08 ch2rry all boys in my area do is disappoint [relationships] [crushes]

i’m a gay teen (17) from the eastern side of the US and everyone here enjoys either leading me on (i’m one of the only stereotypical looking lgbt boys at the school) or making homophobic comments. the worst case of this is when i was romantically led on by a guy for three years. we would go on basically mini dates (holding hands, i guess flirting?, etc) (it felt very real to me, even though i’ve never been in a relationship) and then he randomly came out as straight and got a girlfriend. i’ve been trying to make some lgbt online friends so that i can find people to relate to and to just play video games with etc, but it’s difficult. do you guys have any recommendations?
submitted by ch2rry to LGBTeens [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 15:47 Reroreroreroo Bisexuality in men vs women

Discussing differences between female and male sexuality is something that comes up a lot of times here.
But I wonder why nobody decided to discuss specifically about bisexuality?

I am very active on many lgbt forums and many bisexual/adult subreddits and I made some observations.

We all probably know that male bisexuality is more taboo, so bi men are less likely to be open to hook ups with other men. But when a man has an opportunity to try out same sex, he will find it JUST AS GOOD as sex with a woman (in most cases). A bisexual man will tell you that sex with men vs sex with women is an apples vs oranges thing. One time you want an apple, one time you want an orange. And both of these things are completely satisfying.

Now, there are some bisexual men who have a preference for gay sex or straight sex, but I'd say the number of them is very close to 50/50. Very proportional.

Now onto bisexual women. I get a lot of hate for saying these things on other subreddits and told I suffer from "confirmation bias", but there is a reason why this appears so many times.

Let me tell you that there is a reason why lesbians are afraid to date bi women, and I think they have the biggest right to do so. Why? Because it doesn't matter whether a bi woman is straight-leaning or lesbian-leaning, she will always have this one desire inside of her. The desire to have sex with a real penis.

Seriously. I have seen everything from bisexual women not wanting to date women/trans men because of the lack of penis, to female-preferring bisexual women who say "it's a shame I cannot find a trans woman because I love dick so much". Also you never hear about gay men who turned out to be straight/bi later in life, whereas the "lesbian turns straight" scenario is not only popular in erotica, but also on confession subreddits, and literally everywhere. Even on sexxit, lesbian-leaning bisexuals enter it every week and create threads about how "they love their gfs but desire penis".

So in conclusion, bisexuality in men can be both romantical and sexual. Men are completely capable of finding sex with both genders sayisfying and won't need anything else (or will need both at the same time). Whereas it seems very rare for women to be sexually bi, and the biggest part of society seems completely aware of that. For women, bisexuality means having the ability to fall in love with both genders, but sexually still being attracted only to men. And the bisexual women who sexually only like women? Well, most of them come out as lesbian sooner or later.
Feel free to share your thoughts, and if you have any own observations, you can also tell them to us
submitted by Reroreroreroo to PurplePillDebate [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 14:03 xXXscrubslayer69XXx Hey I need some help

So I'ma just jump right into it.
There is this guy I like and I'm asking for help in decided weather I should ask him out or not. (Btw I know that he is gay and he knows I am as well)
So there's this guy I've seen him around in the past but never really talked to him let's call him b. anyway after me and my friend had a falling (let's call her a) out, b starts to be friends with a. About 2 weeks ago. I started to notice strange behavior from b eg. Noticing that he was staring at me form across the class with a sort of smerk on his face. latter that day I get to talking with the 2 of them at lunch dunno why I just kinda did, and I really vibed with them. So now for the past 2 weeks the same routine would happen if the 3 of us meeting at lunch.
So I've noticed that the behavior from b hasn't stopped, it's gotten more common, and in discussions seems to value my opinion more than others.
But before I met b he was dating this guy and there fighting right now even though I know they're not dating. And apparently he's thinking of moving schools so I don't know. I like b alot and I just want to get some general advice on the situation. :)
submitted by xXXscrubslayer69XXx to teenagers [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 13:47 xXXscrubslayer69XXx Hi reddit I need advice

So I'ma just jump right into it.
There is this guy I like and I'm asking for help in decided weather I should ask him out or not. (Btw I know that he is gay and he knows I am as well)
So there's this guy I've seen him around in the past but never really talked to him let's call him b. anyway after me and my friend had a falling (let's call her a) out, b starts to be friends with a. About 2 weeks ago. I started to notice strange behavior from b eg. Noticing that he was staring at me form across the class with a sort of smerk on his face. latter that day I get to talking with the 2 of them at lunch dunno why I just kinda did, and I really vibed with them. So now for the past 2 weeks the same routine would happen if the 3 of us meeting at lunch.
So I've noticed that the behavior from b hasn't stopped, it's gotten more common, and in discussions seems to value my opinion more than others.
But before I met b he was dating this guy and there fighting right now even though I know they're not dating. And apparently he's thinking of moving schools so I don't know. I like b alot and I just want to get some general advice on the situation. :)
submitted by xXXscrubslayer69XXx to teenagers [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 11:55 ketch15 Unsatisfactory Heterosexual Relationships

I’m a 20F and in the last couple of months I’ve truly come to terms with accepting my sexuality as bisexual. I’ve come out to multiple close friends who most are either gay, bi, or pan. I’m thankful that most of the people closest to me fall somewhere along the spectrum because being able to express my attraction to different genders without stigma feels amazing. But as I continue navigating my relationships, I’ve noticed that my interactions with straight men are somewhat more unsatisfactory than most.
I was recently talking to this boy I met on tinder who identified as straight. From jump I told him I was bi. He was cool about it. He even told me about how a lot of his friends and roommates are LGTBQA+ and the conversation was chill. A couple days later my friend gives me an expected call saying she’s coming to pick me up and to be downstairs in less than 5 minutes. She had just moved in into her new apartment and I hadn’t seen it yet. We ended up hanging out with some other friends at her place. The two others were her roommate (girl) and our guy friend. We just smoked, had some wine, talked, you know the regular.
We ended up spending the night because everyone was a little too buzzed to drive anywhere and I didn’t feel inclined to call myself an Uber. Nothing sexual in nature went down. It was a very wholesome friend get together. When I got home, I texted the boy from tinder telling him about the day i had with my friends. I was thrown off guard when his first reaction was to ask if my friend and I pretended to be together. I was honestly perplexed and kind of annoyed that he would assume that me spending the night at my friend’s house meant that we were fucking just because I’m bi and she’s a girl.
The current boy im talking to made some pretty homophobic remarks about gay men today. He brought up the track pants he was wearing saying he doesn’t like them because they define his ass too much. He continued by saying that one time at a grocery store a gay man walked up behind him suggestively because his ass looked fat or whatever. I called him out saying that it was bullshit and that the gay man most likely did not do that. the man’s presence just made him uncomfortable because most straight guys are terrified at the possibility of other men sexualizing them in public the same way they do to women. In addition, he mentioned he doesn’t like LGBTQ people in general but doesn’t judge what they do. I never brought up my sexuality with him and hearing him say that put me in a weird position because I fall under the spectrum.
I’m not surprised by cis straight men having these types of remarks tbh. to some extent it’s even expected. i say this from experience because i had multiple straight guy friends throughout my life who’ve always made similar comments. im coming to terms that dating straight men may mean putting myself back in the closet one way shape or other. that leaves me extremely unsatisfied because i want to love the way that i am meant to love. i know some bi men face similar dilemmas dating straight women where their partner may see them as “too feminine” or “less masculine” because of their attraction to men. do you guys have any positive experiences dating or being with someone who was straight that was fully accepting of your sexuality?
submitted by ketch15 to bisexual [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 11:39 832416 Bay Area guys, what is your experience living there?

I live in Texas and I took a trip to the Bay Area back in 2018 and really loved it out there. Taking a trip and living are two different things. I could see myself living there in the future. I'm curious to hear firsthand accounts of your experiences living in the Bay Area. So some questions!
  1. What part of the Bay Area are you in? SF, Oakland, San Jose? How is the gay scene in your respected area?
  2. How is dating there like with a larger pool of gay/queer men?
  3. What are your personal pros and cons of living there?
  4. Since it's 2020, how has COVID changed the BA?
  5. Any bonus info you might deem helpful would be appreciated!
submitted by 832416 to askgaybros [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 10:12 oiliv2020 [DISCUSSION] Is kink more equal in terms of "dating leagues", class, self-esteem etc.?

I have some questions I have come to wonder about since exploring my dominant side. I am 41F, gay, and haven´t actually been too succesful with women until I ran into a specific sub-set who likes a very specific dominant dynamic that I apparently am able to deliver (it was new to me and they had to basically unfold it).
Now, one of the things that I noticed was that these women tend to be feminine and successful in the worldly sense. I usually wouldn´t feel like being "in their league". Career, money, social skills and background, are usually well above average. Which has me insecure. It´s not that I am scraping the bottom, but as self made middle class (grew up poobroken home), I am nowhere near them socially. I also have some issues because while I turned out doing ok, I wasn´t able to build the life I wanted career-wise; I did compromise a fair bit to make things work for me, so I kind of feel like an underachiever. And now, as I am only beginning to reflect on these things, I have trouble understanding how this can align with me being the dominant part for wealthy achievers. I would assume that dominating also needs to translate into worldly affairs in order to be truly valid - but then, I am not very much into the scene and actually I don´t know if that is how it works.
What I noticed is that kink (a bit like the LGBT scene) seems to have a higher proportion of people who did their homework regarding their inner self and liberation. So maybe I worry about nothing, and things like leagues, class etc. are much more levelled here? Or maybe people have to be more open because the dating pool is smaller, and finding what they are looking for gets more important than regular mating criteria?
These matters really touch upon some of my general insecurities, but kind of in a good way. I would welcome if you had some thoughts and experiences to share regarding this psychological dimension of kink. Is it sort of an equalizer?
submitted by oiliv2020 to BDSMAdvice [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 09:45 KilljoyTroubldMisery Help?

I came out as bi about 3 years ago but I’ve only had one unsuccessful gay relationship, a date with a girl that I thought went well but then didn’t work out and the poly relationship I’ve recently entered and I’m starting to question myself.
I felt awkward in my first relationship, so ready after my unsuccessful date and now awkward again and I’m not even sure why.
For context I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and we added a girl to our relationship last week.
Beforehand I’d been really excited and into her but on the date I felt a little off but brushed it off but now that she’s our girlfriend I’m having even more doubts. I still like her and am attracted to her and my bf seems really into her but I feel a little off.
Could this just be nerves or is my gut telling me this isn’t right? It’s making me question my whole sexuality since things always either seem to not work or I just feel off in the situation and I don’t know what to do!!
submitted by KilljoyTroubldMisery to bisexual [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 08:55 ThrowRA-hopelessace Should I (21F) give up on my ex (26F)? Or should we get back together?

So I met this girl studying abroad (she’s German and I’m American). We got into a relationship and it was our first serious one for both of us. We dated while we were abroad and then broke up for a few months after we went back to our respective homes. Then we both realized we weren’t over each other and got back together sometime around February in a LDR. We broke up around mid-July and had a month of no contact. So total we’ve known each other about a year, dated for 7 months.
Then one night, we called and I had a crying breakdown about how throughout the whole relationship, I had been trying to point out how her internalized homophobia has been affecting her. She was bullied as a kid for being gay and really struggles nowadays with loving herself and her body. She’s also only out to her friends and one family member but not her parents because she’s too scared to. When we were abroad, she acted how she wanted to be in the world. She wasn’t as scared of holding my hand, she came out to her family member and told her that I was her girlfriend and she was comfortable enough to open up sexually (even though it took a while because it still took her a while to be comfortable. Basically, because we were in a different country, we could be whoever we wanted to be.
When we started dating again in February, I realized how much more emotionally closed off she is toward me. There were a lot of potentially emotionally abusive times where she would deny having any problems and shutting me down. I realized that a lot of her actions were a result of her trauma and so I ignored it for the most part and kept trying to be that unconditional love that she didn’t get as a kid. When we talked in August (1 month after we broke up), she said she thinks that she projected all her negative feelings about her childhood onto me since I kept pushing it and that might be part of why she fell out of love with me. She also said that if she could change it, and be in love with me again she would, which I really don’t understand??? Because of that though, it gives me some hope that her falling out of love with me is because her trauma has come to be overwhelming and she’s pushing me away as a defense mechanism.
So the situation now is that we are in a “more than friends, less than lovers” relationship. Neither of us wanted to cut contact and she was very determined to stay close friends and I want to too. We talk frequently (often daily) and we still go to each other when we need the emotional support of a relationship. We both want to work on ourselves as individuals without the commitment of a relationship hanging over our heads. It also allows us to not feel pressured to talk to each other about really deep things if we don’t feel comfortable about it yet. She’s going to therapy to work those things out and I’m pretty sure she has had depression since she was a teen. I definitely have had depression since I was a teen and I’m on meds.
I really love her, not only from who she was when we met but who she is now. She has been the only person who I’ve opened up to completely and she always validates how I feel in a way no one else has. I trust her completely but I know now I’m afraid to get left again if we ever got back together. It’s obviously hard to be friends when I care about her because I just want to talk to her all the time but I also know I can’t because I’m still recovering from being broken up with and feeling unwanted. In a lot of ways, I’m the person who has fought for us to be together and she hasn’t much but I think she’s less optimistic than I am and she would rather be alone than be hurt again.
I would love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation because I feel really alone. Also, any advice on what I can do to help her? Should I even have any hope for us to work out at this point? I’ve gotten mixed responses from friends and family and of course I have my bias. What have you done to help loved ones face trauma that they still haven’t told anyone about?
TLDR: Should I give up hope on this girl when I think she’s the love of my life just because she has a lot of her own sh*t to figure out? How do I support her?
submitted by ThrowRA-hopelessace to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 08:11 Accomplished_Detail1 i’m incredibly confused and need some sort of clarity

i’m 18 male and really confused.
basically i can remember being attracted to girls as early as 6 years old, and started watching pornography (straight) as early as 7
fast forward to when i was 9 years old i don’t remember how it happened but a neighbour my age (male) and i ended up experimenting, he ended up giving me oral, honestly i was not attracted to him what so ever but i was hard, i’m assuming because this was something new and it was my first time ?
after that had happened i questioned my sexuality, but never found myself attracted to guys, and still till this day never even really found a guy “cute” so i didn’t think much of it, i was still extremely attracted to girls and loved the feelings i got from it. years 12 and 13 i was obsessed with girls, literally everything was about girls, i would do extra things to try and impress them and get their attention and my attraction was through the roof. At 14 i had my first sexual experience with a female and i loved it (didn’t go all the way)
now here’s where i’m absolutely lost. at 15 i had been dating this girl for roughly 3 or 4 months. we decided we were gonna have sex, but i couldn’t get it up, we tried about 5 times after that all on different days and no luck what so ever. this scared the shit out of me and made me start questioning my sexuality. i’m not sure if it was because of incredibly unhealthy masturbation habits or if i have just been in denial forever and never into girls, but i caused me to develop SEVERE HOCD. i haven’t had barley any sex drive for nearly the last year now, and my attraction to females seems to be almost completely gone. since than straight porn hasn’t aroused me nearly as much as it used to, and i started developing fears like what if i’m homosexual and hid it all this time, all these thoughts seem so real by the fact i experimented with that neighbour when i was younger, and was hard.
i’m totally lost and really scared, i used to find absolutely everything about girls attractive but now it’s gone. since the lack of attraction i kind freaked out and asked myself what if i’m gay? i immediately went to gay p to check, and it aroused me but i really didn’t like the feeling, it didn’t feel nearly the same way girls used to ,and this scared me. i didn’t really feel comfortable watching it or that it was for me. i couldn’t see myself with a boyfriend, or being sexually active with a guy (not that i have anything against being homosexual just simply think it isn’t for me) but gay porn aroused me and i my attraction to females is literally gone. honestly i don’t know what my sexual orientation is anymore or what happened to my attraction to females at this point
ps sorry if this was long
submitted by Accomplished_Detail1 to askgaybros [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 08:09 ThrowRA_yeeeeeeet Advice needed on how to talk to conservative boyfriend (20) about LGBTQ issues.

My boyfriend (20) grew up in China, and I (19) grew up in North America. We met and started dating 8 months ago in college. I thought we were a really good match until about 3 months ago when the topic of LGBTQ rights was brought up. He confessed to me that he thought homosexuality was "unnatural", and if his friends ever come out to him, he would guide them towards the "right path" cuz homosexuality is "a bad choice". I was so disappointed, angry, and broke up with him right away. I've always supported the LGBTQ movement, especially cuz some of my best friends are part of the community.
A few days after we broke up, he messaged me saying he is willing to change his worldviews. I had some time to calm down and think through this. I know China is not particularly supportive of the community, and a lot of what he said was a direct result of misinformation from his upbringing and his religion (Christian). So I decided to give him a chance and if things don't work out, at least I will do what I can as an ally to educate him on this.
Fast forward a bit, we are at a place right now, where he agrees and understands that 1) sexuality is not a choice 2) being around gay people will not affect his sexuality (apparently many Chinese ppl think that you can become gay if you are exposed to homosexual ppl) 3) he will treat members of the LGBTQ community like how he treats heterosexual ppl. 4) he would not prevent me from supporting the community in any way 5) he is willing to attend pride parade if it is really important to me. This whole process made us a little closer. However, we have been struggling to agree on other aspects for awhile now. For example, he takes a very traditional view on "marriage" and believes that marriage is the union between a man and a woman. He thinks marriage is more of a ceremonial thing rather than a necessity for a happy couple regardless of sexuality. I asked him if he could vote, what would he do and he said he would not vote (I suppose voting is not a familiar concept in China). I asked him why, and he responded with it does not affect him and so he will not form an opinion on it. He lacks exposure to the community, which makes me think that that is why he dissociates himself from forming any opinion on marriage equality.
As someone who is very supportive of the LGBTQ movement, I find it uncomfortable to deal with this "neutral" viewpoint. I do want to stay with him because we still love each other and I can confirm that he is capable of changing for the better.
How do I change his mind about this? Am I being to obsessive about this? Should I just be content with his neutral stance and agree to disagree?
submitted by ThrowRA_yeeeeeeet to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 07:40 throwaway13242343655 How do I get over my masochism?

Disclaimer: I know that there are many people with healthy masochistic tendencies, but based on my childhood trauma, mine is not healthy at all and it feels like a leech. I don't want to be a masochist anymore and I'm sharing my story about why.
I'm a maschoist. I just discovered this today and I'm trying to explore how and why I ended up like this. Most of all, I want to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with sex.
I'm 18 years old and I've been in a two (almost three) year relationship with my 20-year-old boyfriend. He's very attractive and comes from a wealthy family. He treats me to nice dinners and extravagant dates (before the pandemic ofc) and gives me lots of thoughtful and expensive gifts. He's very charismatic and accommodating. We've made a lot of memories together.
On the outside, we're "goals," but behind closed doors, our relationship has always been on the rocks. When I was 15 and we were first dating, he was sweet as can be, but after six months, our relationship began to crumble.
I was in a play and I had to kiss another guy. I knew he wouldn't be happy about it, but when I told him, he appeared to be very understanding. I thought he would be okay with it. The night of the play, he gave me flowers and a stuffed bear, kissed me on the cheek, took pictures with me, and treated my family, friends, and I to dinner. The next day, however, it was as though a switch flipped. On Saturdays, he used to drop me off with my friends at the skate park after breakfast. But when he picked me up, I could tell his demeanor was different. He wasn't gentle, he was angry.
"I got you McDonald's." He threw a bag at me and I just blinked at him. He had never been so cold before. When he saw me staring, he looked to me and growled, "I spoil you too much."
I whispered a thank you and tried to strike conversation, but he would only grunt or give one word answers. I asked him if something was wrong about five times and he said no. I should have told him to stop the car, but I didn't. After a while, I stopped trying to talk and I glued my eyes to my food and ate silently. I took notice we were nowhere near the skate park. In fact, I didn't know where we were.
I couldn't help myself and broke down crying softly. "Where are we going, John?! Please tell me what I did!"
He stopped the car abruptly in an alleyway and turned to yell at me. "Shut the fuck up, Jane!"
I couldn't stop the sobs now. I was scared and I thought he was going to kill me. My heart was beating so fast. He got out of the car and whipped the door open. I was quivering so much that I spilled my platter of food. Before I could say anything, he grabbed me and kissed me forcefully. At first I tried to fight, but the harder I fought, the harder he kissed me. I surrendered into the kiss and I found myself enjoying it. He pulled away to accuse me of eying my costar after the show and "enjoying" the kiss we shared on stage. I couldn't stop the tears at this point, but I was no longer sad. I was scared, yes, but in an invigorating way. He interrogated me between rough kisses before slowly unzipping my pants and fingering me until I passed out.
"You're mine." Those were my favorite words.
It wasn't rough, though. He didn't tear any internal tissue or cause any damage, but at this point, this was our first sexual experience together and I think I was overwhelmed.
I don't remember the rest of that day. I just remember how much I enjoyed that little pit stop. I also remember my friends worrying about me.
From then on, he became very possessive. He'd go through my phone to see if I was texting any other guys. He didn't stop showering me with gifts and affection, but he now cared about what I was wearing. Which guy I was talking to without him around. Even my own family members or gay male friends, he became suspicious of. When I call him out for this, he becomes defensive and calls me stupid or a bimbo or a "lonely bitch." I cry when he says these things because there's parts of me that think they're true.
90% of the time, I hate this about him and it makes me want to die. I want freedom and respect, but at this point, he knows my weaknesses. He knows my weaknesses and that as long as he pairs his abuse with sexual advances, I'd give in because of my masochism.
When we first had sex, he was compassionate and loving. It was my first time, so he was gentle. He would call me beautiful and sexy and how he would marry me. I liked this, but I never climaxed. The next few times were the same until one day, like a flip switch, he was rougher and more insulting. He called me a slut, said a few other nasty things, and I came. He took notice or this and began to push the boundaries of what he could do. He began to add a few more verbal insults and eventually derogatory racial epithets (I'm half black and he's white). He would slap my butt, my breasts, my face. He would choke me. His pelvic thrusts became harder and harder. He stopped about here as he once tried to bind me and tried to choke me with his belt, but I escaped and didn't speak to him for a month.
Small favors lol. I don't like my boyfriend trying to kill me I guess. Although, I do like threats of that nature.
I know there's something very very wrong with me. I know this isn't healthy, but it just feels so good to me. I recognize the cycle of abuse that is our relationship, but I'm almost attracted to it. Even when he's cursing me out and calling me a slut, he makes me feel loved and protected. I love him and the crazy, violent sex we have. I don't know if I want to marry him, but I can't imagine a life without him. Not right now anyway.
It feels like we're two halves of the same broken soul. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be poetic, but it's true. We both had tough childhoods. His mother is an abusive alcoholic and his father is a distant business man. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive and still is. He's very strict and would kill me if he found out I ever had sex. My mother is none-the-wiser and usually cosigns his verbal berating.
We understand each other and we're both ashamed of this side of ourselves.
I have a therapist, but I'm too ashamed to even share this with her. Or anyone in my family. Or my friends. To all of them, I'm innocent, docile, and fragile. Part of me still wants to be, but I know that I can never be those things again. It feels like I've lost apart of myself that I'm still living in the shell of. Before I met him, I had hobbies. I danced and sang and acted. I loved to read and draw. I used to make up fantasy stories of dragons and princesses and witches.
I want to say that he corrupted me, but it feels like this part of me has always been there and I was always just keeping it at bay. Now it's consumed my entire life and I feel very empty.
I have no more hobbies. I'm too tired to do it anymore. I watch TV sometimes, but it's always just background noise. The only time I feel awake is when I'm with him. At first, my boyfriend made me quit acting (my favorite hobby of all) because I was constantly getting type-casted. The directors would always make me the dumb, disposal slut character and if there wasn't one, I was the love interest. I feel like I had a lot of range, but I never had a chance to explore it. Every time, I'd audition for a different character and every time, I would get the same archetype. I used to cry about it until I just became numb. When he told me to stop acting because it made me look slutty, I felt nothing. My parents tried to get me back into it again, but I just couldn't do it. I felt so weak and exhausted. It feels like no one will ever see me as anything other than a pretty face. What's the point in trying anyway?
At first, I felt very sad about the state of my life. I was depressed for so long. My grades began to drop and I was put on medication (which I don't take). Now, I just feel nothingness. I feel numb. I do my work. I go to bed. I repeat this cycle until I get to see him at the end of the week or sometimes when he sneaks into my room.
My parents have restricted our hours to be together to this. I guess it's for the best, but it does make me very angry from time to time. Not really at them for doing it, but there's parts of me that blame my parents for making me what I am. Especially my dad. He used to tease me for being too much of a bookworm or crying to much. He would humiliate me in front of my friends and "play fight" with me even though I've always been very thin and petite. I usually ended up getting hurt and he would blame me for being so weak. When I only got older, the gaslighting only got worst. For years, he would taunt me for things I said, pick on me constantly, shame me for not being good enough, and then gaslight me by telling me it's my fault we don't have a better relationship. I've confided in my boyfriend that if he died, I wouldn't shed a single tear. It's true. I have no more love for my father. He's pushed me over the limit so many times that I can no longer love him. When I graduate, I'll move back and never look back. I still love my mother very much, but I'm also very resentful of her as well for not standing up to my father and divorcing him. I feel guilty for this as I know she's a victim, too.
Overall, I just feel disgusting and unworthy. I'm ashamed of my high sex drive at such a young age and I'm ashamed of the position I've gotten myself into. I don't want to end my life, but I do wish I could erase parts of it.
This wasn't really a cry for help. Just a really long confession. I don't expect anyone to read it, but if you did, thanks for caring this much. If you have any advice, please do share it. I have a therapist, but perhaps I should get a specialized therapist who can help me sort this out. I may even be open to medication at this point. I just want this sick part of me to die forever. I feel like it's too late.
submitted by throwaway13242343655 to sex [link] [comments]

2020.09.22 06:32 Dakrkplayer2 This sound right.

I am a high functional artistic transwomen. And when I make my program at my service meeting. I wanted them to know I am a women and not a man. And even they write it down. They still not do it. Not even my peers that also mental disabled. The reason they told me. That because they are mental disabled. They will not tell that I want to be know as a women. And not a man. And go by a women's name. And they will not used her or she. And also they told me one time why they will not really do it. Because Medicaid will tell me what gender I have label myself until I have the sex change. That is two thing they tell me. And I feel uncomfortable when my peer tell me when I get a girlfriends. And top of all. Even my program i have to talk to them. Some times they don't talk to me to start the talking. And I don't want to talk. Because my peers put me in a place I don't feel good to talk to them. for some the reason I just stated. Because as a transwomen. I wanted to date men. And do not want anything sexual to other women. So in other words. I not a gay women. And speaking of gay. They think all boys love girls. And all girls love boys. And the staff do not tell them that not all them do not follow that. And not all boys stay as boys. And not all girls stay as girls. I do not what to do. Since it one those place that bowl down to Jesus. And even my peers think everyone in the whole world bowl down only to Jesus Christ. And there is no such thing of other religion out there. Even people that do not believed in any kind of religion. And they think everything is on stone. Even what gender you are born with.
submitted by Dakrkplayer2 to asktransgender [link] [comments]

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Not Out? Can You Still Use Gay Dating Apps? The Gaydar Blog

  1. 10 Gay Dating Tips - YouTube
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  8. Trying out gay dating apps - with a twist - YouTube
  9. Young man comes out as gay to his traditional Asian ...
  10. Dating a closeted guy

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