Living with Asperger’s Syndrome: Tips for Partners
Asperger's and Divorce - The Neurotypical
The Person You Love Has Asperger’s: Are You Thinking Of ...
Living With a Spouse Who Has Asperger’s Syndrome
15 tips for NT spouses Asperger Partner
Coping With a Partner's Asperger's Syndrome - Autism ...
Marriage with Asperger's Syndrome: 14 Practical Strategies ...
5 Tips for Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome
Asperger Partner For Dig, der er NT ægtefælle eller ...
Living With An Aspergers Partner
The characteristics of Asperger’s must be noticeable in infancy or early childhood to receive the diagnosis of Asperger’s. Most importantly, Asperger’s is a form of autism whereas people with SPD have a “neurotypical” brain and have developed into a personality of extreme introversion and emotional detachment. This article is based on reported firsthand experiences from thousands of neurotypical spouses in Europe, North America, Australia. A reference is also autism-help.org A long-term relationship with an adult, who has Asperger's Syndrome or high functioning autism, can be extremely stressful for the neurologically normal (neurotypical, NT) partner. Et særligt trauma rammer den neurotypiske partner i NT-AS parfold, når aspergeren lever i benægtelse af sin autisme-tilstand. Nogle af de mest forpinte og ensomme neurotypiske (NT) ægtefæller, der kontakter os på www.aspergerpartner.com, lever i sådanne forhold. Det er typisk ægteskaber, hvor partneren med Aspergers syndrom (autisme) er en midaldrende eller ældre mand. Asperger’s and divorce, Cassandra Syndrome. In the case of Asperger’s Syndrome, the now well documented Cassandra Syndrome often comes into play where parties seek help. Mental health professionals often exacerbate the party’s troubles by falling into the pattern of blaming the acutely distressed neuro-typical partner for being an alarmist, for having inappropriate anxiety which feeds ... The Asperger’s Association of New England (AANE) has been offering the Partner/Spouse Support Groups and the Couples’ Support Groups for about ten years. Since most of the couples we see consist of a neurotypical woman married to or partnered with a man with AS, in this article I will often speak of “the wife” (understood to be NT) and ... All romantic relationships have challenges and require some work. Being in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s syndrome (AS) can create an additional challenge, according to ... In order to get the best out of your partner with Asperger’s Syndrome, it’s important to keep the following points in mind; remember, however, that all people with Asperger’s Syndrome are different, and thus, so are all marriages with Aspergers partner—Some points may therefore apply more than others. Asperger’s intimacy needs and wants are also problematic for the other partner. Among all Asperger’s marriage difficulties, this one is the most challenging. Lack of intimacy and invalidating responses experienced in a marriage can feel like a disconnection of voids needing desperately to be filled. Living with an Aspergers Partner is the most practical, easy-to-follow and comprehensive program available today for partners affected by the condition. Thousands of people worldwide, just like you, have used these unique strategies to put themselves on the “relationship-rescue” fast-track, while regaining their inner happiness in the process. The Asperger’s partner might be missing something the other parent can pick up on. Discuss the situation as a couple and work out a solution. Consider therapy.
Partners/Spouses of Adults with Aspergers
2015.02.21 01:06 Partners/Spouses of Adults with Aspergers
For a positive, safe, helpful, and productive conversation with partners and/or spouses of adults with Aspergers, or Aspies with NT partners/spouses. The intent of this group is to find positive ground to nurture and grow relationships between NT/AS persons, regardless of gender, race, creed, sexuality, or religion.
My (22F) boyfriend (21M) and I have gotten really close really quickly, and I think we’ve entered the comfy stage where we aren’t lovey dovey 24/7, but my anxiety is sending me into overdrive thinking that that is not the case, and instead he doesn’t love me anymore. I asked him about it and he said he still feels the same as he did, but things are busier for both of us now with college and work and all that. He has Asperger’s so he tends to be extremely honest but my traumatized self is still worrying. How did you know you were in the comfy stage as opposed to your partner losing feelings for you?
2020.09.20 15:08 Throwawayacct1015Having aspergers/autism symptoms in the accounting field ?
I was browsing some subreddits about people with Aspergers being unable to keep down a job. Some people say you should do computer programming if thats the case. So it got me thinking, would someone with Autism/aspergers survive in the accounting industry? These are merely my thoughts and I never worked as Partner, CFO or Financial Controller so I don't claim to speak the entire profession. Public accounting. I think this will be a massive challenge regardless of what stage you do. Big4 Audit is a very social and teamed based sort of work. And its only going to get worse the higher up you go. After all you will need to start managing more stakeholders like Managers, Partners, Clients and of course the people under you. For people who have deficient social sensors, you better have a good compensating control lol. Industry For here I think it really depends what sort of work you perform. Maybe normal Financial Reporting which is a more operational process is more comfortable. If you start going into areas like budgeting, financial forecasting and basically roles a Financial Controller performs, I would argue this is where things will get harder. Again more people interaction is required here and probably politics/good relationship and communication skills. I think regardless, for ALL of them, the higher up you go, the more social aspects matter (See a pattern now?) Academia Stuff like working at a university. Becoming an academic etc. This I cannot say anything as I barely know anything about this area. So anyone else wanna share their thoughts?
2020.09.20 07:50 dasfeelingI don't know what do anymore
Hello there. My partner (26) and I (28) met over 2 years ago. Few months after we fell in love for each other and she told me (with embarassment) that she was an Aspergirl. To be honest, I never once had a problem with that (still don't).We lived quite far apart (6 hours by train) and it was a bliss to go see her and to be loved by her. Obviously, we never got in a fight because our time together was quite rare and precious as you can imagine. I never loved another wowan like I love her. I love her way of thinking (even if we think very differently). I love her smile so much. It's the strongest positive feeling I ever had in my whole life.Recently, she moved out and got closer to me (1 hour). I had a very difficult period at work (CoVid) and had to work 65-70hours a week. And she was working from her home. Sadly, I realize that I missed her transition and everything that went with it (leaving the coworkers she used to hang out with, seeing noone and being alone all day because of that damn CoViD, ...).However, we got in a fight two months and almost broke up. I never felt that bad and she too. So the next day, we reunited, talked a lot and we decided to get past this. But since then, I have the feeling that her love for me is decreasing, she is not the one she used to be with me. She doesn't tell about her activites anymore. She doesn't share her interests for books, tv series, movies or video games with me anymore.Recently, I went to her home for four days (to hang out with her, to let her know that I'm here if something is going wrong, ...). After I left, she told me that being with me for four days was exhausting. I didn't have the right to hear her voice since then and that is breaking me so hard. I didn't eat/sleep much for the last two days and I often feel like crying.I strongly think I'm the type of guy that need attention from his partner because I never got attention in my childhood.The thing is she used to give me a lot of attention before moving out so I don't understand how it came to this. So yes... I don't know what to do anymore in my relationship. I read the same book twice and now tons of articles on the Asperger subject. So I know an Aspie sometimes needs to be lonely in order to recover but... Not a single call for three days and no words for the entire day yesterday, me being worry and she finally told she was hanging out with a couple of friends... That just pushed me to come here and let it all go (I'm not the confide type).I still love her so much that I feel like becoming crazy. I would appreciate any advice. Sorry is my English may not be correct, it's not my native language. P.S. : Sorry for the title's mistake. ><
2020.09.20 07:39 sex_yoda45 [M4F] Divorced Stag Seeking Curious Single Woman Interested in Becoming a Hotwife or Vixen #Houston
Single / Divorced Stag looking to meet like minded women who enjoy being shared. My last three long term relationships were of the Stag/Vixen variety. Sometimes we would dabble in the Cuck/Hotwife dynamic. My BDSM profile has me listed as a sensual sadist, roperigger, I enjoy the technical aspects of D/s. I am a successful, affluent corporate executive slowly transitioning into a silver fox Zaddy/Daddy phase of life. In a previous life I was your dorky IT professional who enjoyed BDSM meetups, munches and RenFest After Hours on nights and weekends. I would talk your ears off about things that interest me and simply walk away from conversations if it did not. I wore discount shirts, dockers, and black sneakers. I was diagnosed with a very mild Asperger's syndrome five years ago which explained a lot of things. In addition to therapy I made the investment to hire a life/professional coach who helped me with my personal brand at work which has been a game changer. She's taught me a lot of soft skills needed to succeed in the business world and how to read a room. She told me to coach my kids Little League team so that everyone know's I'm a good father, mentor underprivileged kids so that everyone knows I'm a good human being, she taught me how to advocate anti-racist and anti-sexist politics at work and advocate for people who are not like me so that I could transition to leadership track, told me which barbershop to go to and which haircut to get (I did Supercuts from age 10 to 40), how to buy a bespoke suit and handmade shoes and trade in my Corolla for a Tesla. On the plus side it allowed me to jump from middle management to executive track, it gave me a newfound sense of confidence and prowess and female colleagues and interns will flirt endlessly with me, and many have called me a "low-key Daddy". At lifestyle events I'm not longer the Duff or the load that the other wife has to "take-one-for-the-team" for her husband, single women would approach us in clubs and parties and talk to me directly and with interest. On the bad side, my then wife hated the new me and filed for divorce. Now while I've enjoyed my newfound bachelorhood for a year now, I think I'm ready for something more serious but am having a hard time finding the right partner while being discreet. I'm not interested in a temporary thing or even a typical long term arrangement. While I'm reluctant and hesitant to get married again, I know in my heart that I won't ever be getting divorced again. Ideal woman would be a gorgeous high-sex drive woman who enjoys having sex every day with multiple partners and lovers all the while enjoying all of the perks, benefits, and privilege of being a corporate wife (think Donna Reed, Junior League, and Audubon Society). This isn't for everyone but for the right woman it would check off everything she could ever want. I'm open minded on race, body type would be athletic with curves, natural breasts, non-smoker, education would be college educated, masters preferred. I click well with ambitious women and so while you do not need a high profile career, a track record of volunteerism and community involvement is a plus. I'm asking a lot but also offering a lot. Live in the Houston Heights but can entertain in Downtown, Galleria area or City Centre.
2020.09.20 04:21 SaffyintheSkyFeeling Scared by Hereditary Autism in Family History
Hi everyone, My partner and I have made a decision regarding wanting to start trying for our first child, but I feel overwhelmed by one thing- the hereditary link of autism in my family. My brother has aspergers, my first cousin has autism, and they believe my grandpa likely had some form of it as well. On my partner's side, two of his second cousins have autism. My partner also has ADHD, which shares approximately 50-72 percent of its genes with autism. I love my brother and my cousin, but I have also watched how they have struggled and continue to struggle. My brother is difficult to talk with if its not a subject regarding one of his interests. He has no friends. He has a good job as an engineer, but his life is simply working, video games, and sleeping. I struggle to connect with him and it was extremely hard to grow up with him as my sibling. There is a side of me that is convinced that I will have a child with autism and it scares me. I told my partner about my fears, but he doesn't feel the same level of fear that I am feeling. There is a side of me that keeps trying to calm myself down, but another side of me that feels a lot of anxiety around this situation. And then I feel extremely guilty and ashamed of myself for even thinking like this as I know my brother and cousin are both wonderful people. I logically know that I cannot be alone being the "neurotypical" child with a sibling who has autism, but I can't seem to shake feeling alone in this. If there are any other reddit users who have been through this, I would greatly appreciate any advice, stories, or just generally meet people who have experienced something like this. I really want to be a mom. I know I will love my child. I know my partner will be an amazing father. But it just feels overwhelming in this moment. Thank you
2020.09.19 23:01 anxious_alliterationStarting to feel depressed
Hi everyone! First of all I'd like to recognise that it has been a hard 2020 all round, and I'm sure I'm not the only one struggling at the moment. Basically I am a 29 yo male, and in January my long term partner who I lived with broke up with me (on my birthday) and asked me to move out immediately (it was her house). I have felt kind of like I've been drifting ever since, both physically and mentally. After the breakup I had a very short time to find somewhere to move to and so moved in to on older woman's house as a lodger on a temporary basis. This was okay to begin with, we each had our own routine and didn't see each other all that much and were civil to one another. In February/March I was spending a lot of evenings going to social events, and exercising to keep my mind occupied. I started a business at the end of last year which was going well at this point. I also started going to therapy in these months, and found a therapist who I actually got along with (after trying several in my life time). When the pandemic came in mid March, I lost my main client for my business, the social groups I had joined were no longer doing events, and my therapist went to work in a COVID hospital and could no longer see me. I ended up being at home in lockdown all the time with my landlady, and I found her difficult to spend time with. I am very introverted and I felt like she would talk to me a lot about all of her worries and just want me to listen, and while I was okay to do this initially I felt like it drained me and I didn't get much out of it - we also had contrasting opinions on most things but I didn't want to offend her as I was her lodger. Because of this and also financial worries, I moved back in with my parents in the countryside in April. I have been here for 5 months now, and had little social interaction with anyone other than my parents, the occasional phone call with a friend, and online chat with co-workers once a week or so. I am just grateful that although my business had a rough few months and I was not able to get any financial support from the government, I am able to run it remotely from anywhere with an internet connection, and it is now a success once again. I feel like throughout the 5 months I have felt progressively more distant with more and more negative thoughts. I meditate daily and so tend to notice patterns in my moods and mental health. I the issues I was discussing earlier in the year with my therapist have been going around in my head a lot, and I am gaining a more and more negative perspective on them. There are 2 main issues: 1 - Asperger syndrome The first issue is around me potentially having Asperger syndrome. One of the reason's my ex-partner broke up with me was because she believe I could not give her adequate emotional support, and she suggested to me (and our relationship therapist) that I may have Asperger syndrome. I am in the process of getting a diagnosis (the waiting list for seeing someone about this on the NHS is around 1 - 1.5 years currently), and have done online tests which suggest that I potentially do have Asperger syndrome. I really struggle with the idea of this, it basically means that my brain works differently to most people's brain. I'm very good at logic and at solving problems, my brain works primarily via these mechanisms. I can get very attached to my own routines and systems, and need a lot of alone time to process in retrospect each event in my life and emotion that I feel. I get intensely anxious about things that other people don't (being the centre of attention, attending social events, driving, being in even a minor leadership position). I struggle to feel like I am 'on the inside of life' with other people and to empathise with them in 'real time', usually feeling like I am watching life go by as an observer (one of my favourite books is Perks of Being a Wallflower). However, I do care about the emotions of others, and want to be able to connect with people and give support to those close to me. I feel bad that I have not even had the self awareness to notice my problem until recently, when I have started to look more closely. I'm nearly 30 years old and I have just 1 reasonably close friend (I see him every few months and we talk on the phone every few weeks), my ex girlfriend broke up with me because I was too emotionally distant, I have lost touch with everybody I knew from school and university, and other friends/acquaintances almost never message me casually - usually I have to be the one to instigate online conversations etc... and these often go nowhere. I'm not sure what my ex meant by emotionally distant, but I think it has to do with the fact that I would sit and listen to her issues but would not respond in an animated way, or always understand and process what she was feeling until hours/days later. Her expectations of me were that she could share her emotions with me at any time she liked, and she expected me to listen and to process them right away - this made me feel la lot of pressure, and also tired me out emotionally, leaving me with no remaining energy to spend on social/emotional interactions with family/friends. It made me wonder how on earth people who require a partner to give them this kind of daily emotional attention like this even manage when they are single? Anyway, after talking to others it seems her expectations were reasonable and that many/most people will have similar expectations in a relationship - but I just don't ever see myself being able to fulfil them! My own way of dealing with emotions is to process them internally and reflect upon them a lot, and then talk to someone close to me if I discover a tough issue that I can't resolve, but this is more of a 'once every now and again' requirement. Also, I see the need to talk to someone about my emotions as something that I am happy to do whenever the other person is ready, rather than something I must force on someone whenever I feel the emotions come (which I have also been told is unusual). 2 - sexuality/gender I have been thinking a lot about my sexuality and gender lately, I don't feel like I fit neatly into a box and this makes me uncomfortable. I never used to feel like I had to, and that everyone had a different sexuality and that couples just made things work through compromise and exploration. However, lack of sexual compatibility (or of even being vaguely on the same page) in previous relationships has made me feel insecure - as if to get that sexual compatibility I need to fit neatly into a box and then search specifically for someone else who fits neatly into that box. Without going into too much detail - I am mostly straight, consider myself to be mainly aroused by BDSM activities, primarily as a masochist. I often fantasise about being dominated by a woman, or occasionally by a man or a couple. I also fantasise a lot about myself (lightly) dominating a woman, and cuckolding scenarios. To be honest I don't enjoy penetrative sex all that much, it certainly isn't the pinnacle of emotional connection for me, which I have been told it is for many. I much prefer touching/oral sex/teasing/imaginative sexual games, and the thing which makes me feel intensely emotional (in fantasy, haven't done it much IRL) is power exchange. Next, I think I am probably monogamish. I consider 'loyalty' to mean being honest, transparent and emotionally committed to a partner, not necessarily complete monogamy. Until experiencing it first hand, I did not consider that many (most?) people have tight definitions of monogamy which are violated by many things other than just sleeping with someone else, including: me telling them I fantasise about other people, bisexuality (the thought that there is a part of my sexuality that they cannot fulfil and hence I am not enough for them), a threesome, not acting possessive if they show attraction to/fantasise about another. I don't really relate to my gender, I'm fine with presenting as male to the general public just for simplicity, and I don't have gender dysphoria. I'm fine with having a man's body and sex organs, but would be equally happy with a woman's body (from an identity perspective - I am aware that having a woman's body is more hassle in our society). However, when I get close enough with someone to be sexual with them, I don't really enjoy them always talking to me as if I am some masculine guy, complimenting masculine features of my body etc.. it doesn't feel good. I don't want to feel like someone is turned on by me as a man, but as a person. I want them to know and accept me as a person, and not focus on me being male too often - perhaps sometimes, but to also allow me feel more 'female' sometimes too. I have found from multiple past relationships that there is a kind of default (in a straight relationship) that the man and woman both assume each other to be monogamous, straight and relatively vanilla. I have only had 3 serious relationships, so not sure if this is always the case but the conclusion so far is that I am yet again the freak/anomaly. But anyway, I have been processing these 2 issues for months now, and feeling more and more hopeless about future relationships and friendships. I think writing them out and sharing them on here will help to get things off my chest a bit.
2020.09.19 14:04 GRASSFEDgrlJust found out partner is an Aspie
We’ve been together just shy of two years. I do love him and at times he drives me crazy. For some reason after getting confirmation that he’s an Aspie, makes me cringe at all his weird behavior even more. Not fair. How I found out wasn’t exactly admirable on his part. His long time friend last night mentioned casually to someone that He’s an Aspie. My partner responded with shushing and a head shaking No. Was it pride? Does he like to believe he’s not an Aspie? He’s wicked smart and awkward around people, which are the most obvious Aspie things about him. More background. Before meeting my current partner, I lived with another Aspie. He was much more obvious with his quirks. I think that after living with him, I got used to blocking out the quirks and just seeing him for who he was, or something. Of course until it was a nuisance on my life. Upon meeting my current partner, I pretty immediately guessed Aspie. However his attendance to my emotions made me think otherwise. I’ve mostly let the thought of him as an Aspie go, since it doesn’t really matter.. right? Some concerns. When he does get short with me and I bring it to his attention, he gets even more upset with me. With everything I do for him, if I ask a small favor, it’s “pestering”. When it comes to his food habits, good lord. He ate raw onion dipped in sour cream last night. I stopped buying mayo because he would eat cheese dipped in mayo until all the cheese and mayo were gone. I really have no idea if this is Aspie behavior or just purely stubborn unwillingness to learn how to prepare simple HEALTHY foods for yourself. Soon I am signing an offer on a house we will both be living in.. and soon after, kids. It is genetic, right? I’m assuming he just happened to have a bit more “empathy”... which I’ve read enough about to say that’s it’s plain rude to say all people with Aspergers don’t have empathy, right? 😢 I’m at a loss. I need to have this conversation with him soon. Both of our lives have been in some sort of chaos lately and.. well, I put off important conversations sometimes and then they never happen. Taking suggestions for how to bring it up lightly, considering his reaction to his best friend saying it. Any insight from related or unrelated experience welcomed. I appreciate this interweb community greatly. 🙏💗 thanks for reading my babblings Ps, he’s late thirties, I’m 31. He has a masters, I have a trade certificate kinda BS job... idk if this matters but there it is.
Background: I am a 26 YO male in grad school and have been categorized by a psychiatrist as being “on the fringe of the ASD spectrum” (i.e., Aspergers). Story: I met the LO once I had moved to a foreign city at age 14 in 2009. I had a hard time adjusting as I had lived my entire life to that point in the Midwest. She was my first and best friend, helping me to integrate into our school socially. We talked for 5+ hours a day for 3 years. We were very close friends but LO had a boyfriend at the time from 9th grade to 11th. LO was my closest confidant but I viewed it as a friendship first and foremost. Eventually, my junior year of high school, she broke up with her boyfriend. LO was an extremely empathetic individual and an astoundingly good listener. In contrast I was very abrasive and had little to no empathy to the point where I alienated the rest of my friends through my callousness. Yet I always felt that her ability to understand and sympathize with others, even outside of our friendship, percolated into me and fundamentally changed the way that I thought. I genuinely believe that much, if not all, of my empathetic and caring characteristics were derived from my time with LO. So over that summer in 2011, LO was now single and I without any other friends. We began spending every day together. One day, as we had finished watching every film we had ever wanted to see, she asked me “what should we do now?” I kissed her. Thus began ~2 months of FWB; however, we never actually had sex. This was my decision because I was unsure of how I felt at the time and because I did not want to have sex outside of a formal relationship. She had also asked me to ask her out on a date as she “loved me”. I had postponed on this request as I wanted to proceed slowly out of caution. I would categorize that summer of 2011 as the happiest I have ever been in my life. Yet I was not aware of how fully I cared about LO. To this day, my two inactions to ask her out on a date and to lose my virginity with her remain the biggest regrets in my life, because I did not act authentically to how I felt towards her. Fast forward to a couple months later and she is telling me that she wants to end FWB as she has found another BF. I realize how I feel, and express it to her. She rejects my advances and ceases contact over senior year. My limerence began in Fall 2011. That year was a very difficult year for me as in my mind, I had alienated the one person I loved due to my own inaction. I really worked hard to try and improve myself during this time, adopting a lot of the more empathetic and caring traits that I try and express today. Eventually, I go to college in NY and LO goes to college in CA. She breaks up with her ’11 boyfriend. We sporadically resume contact but I make it clear to her that I see her as a potential romantic partner. We go to an EDM festival together in CA in 2013 and dance together; but shortly after she enters another LT relationship with someone in her college. I focus on my studies, but every day I think of her (checking social media, etc.). Over this time, the feelings of jealousy, anger etc. subside and are replaced with a bitterly conflicting combination of emotions: I am really happy that she is doing well, but I still seek reciprocity and a formal relationship with her. I reach out in 2015 during my junior year of college but she blocks me on social media. We don’t talk for 2.5 years. My feelings remain unchanged and equally strong. In November 2017, I message her again randomly after a few drinks and she replies. The next evening, we talk over the phone and catch up. She tells me that she “will always love / care for you like family” / “think about you all the time / want the best for you” but that her “romantic affections remain” with the BF. Despite this, she says wants to try her best to have me in her life. We begin to talk for hours every day again. In 2018, she visits me during a holiday weekend in NYC, staying with me (separate mattress) despite having a BF at the time, during which she holds my hand as I express how I feel towards her. I respect her boundaries, but this is all very difficult for me given how strongly I feel for her. We begin to talk for hours a day again. Eventually, we mutually agree to terminate contact as it becomes clearer that I am seeking a romantic relationship and that she is not. We talk sporadically for the next half year. In Fall 2019, I still feel that there is stuff left unsaid. I write a letter for her. In it, I express my undying love and affection. I re-affirm how I feel and I ask her that “when the time comes when you decide to wed, I hope that you consider marrying [me]”. I send the handwritten letter to her address (which she provides to me). Four days later, she respond that she “will not marry [me.] And I’m sorry.” She adds that she wishes “all the happiness in the world” for me, and that it would be best if we blocked each other. Since then, I have not talked to her. After writing this letter, limerence has overall decreased as I personally believed that I had done everything in my power to make my best possible case. Last month, I found out through a friend that she recently broke up with her ’13 boyfriend of 8 years. I’m not sure how this will turn out. Friends have consistently told me to move on for 8 years. My counterpoint is that although her actions don’t reflect a commitment, she has sent significantly mixed signals in the past. I am uncertain what will happen. My limerence has been unabated since October 2011 and continues today. Postscript thoughts I’ve had 2 psychiatrists and 1 psychologists over 5 years to help me through, yet actual progress is much more dependent on the relevant attendant circumstances than personal development. When I put in the effort to try and avoid thinking of her, I end up with very vivid dreams where LO and I spend hours together talking—making me miss her even more. Throughout this time, I’ve maintained a dozen short-term (i.e., <3 mo.) relationships with others. None were remotely limerent, despite a few being affectionate. I think part of the reason I was so uninterested in other relationships was because none of them made me feel like my life was remotely as meaningful as I did when I was acting upon my love for my LO. I do believe I'll find love either with LO or with another, but there is an admitted fixation on this person. I really feel that I understand her as a person versus an 'object' (which I view to be derogative) given the significant amount of time that we spent together. I have nothing for gratitude for her and although I perceive a lot of imperfections in her, reciprocation to me is slightly less important than her being happy, although a necessary element for me to remain in contact with her (i.e., I suffer when I am just her 'friend'). The cognitive dissonance to me is internally mentally resolved by my belief that I can adequately care for her and given the barriers to pursuing a relationship with me are noticeably smaller than in the prior 9 years. In an ideal world, I would rather she just have me in her life. The exclusive element / reciprocity I believe are too high standards to expect. My hypothesis is that she cares about me and loves me in the traditional sense, but not to the extent that I am limerent / love her. Not really sure if she will make what I believe to be the right choice (i.e., she has to unblock and message me for this to work), but I do have faith that she will. None of the above has prevented me from an otherwise happy life. Which makes it all the worse because I have come to value love/limerence as a human experience as much more meaningful than any professional / familial / etc. responsibility. It occupies 90% of my thoughtshare. It has gotten easier though: previously I was afraid of being alone if not with LO, but now I have more faith in my ability to find someone else. However, I can't help but think that this specific relationship with LO is my life story / moral arc. Am I destined to always think of LO or will this abate when she marries someone else? Is there anything I can do to minimize my suffering? I encountered and read Love and Limerence only this last week. Still thinking through applications to my situation. Happy to answer any questions. Thanks for reading and I hope you all find the meaning and fulfillment you are looking for.
2020.09.19 02:02 TheMysteriousITGuyWorried about meeting with my physician in 2 weeks
I write this as a mid-50's Caucasian middle-class guy in the northeastern U.S. generally in good health. Please reply in a focused manner, that does not divert from the topic at hand, and offer any practical insight that you can render as best able. Based on some concerns that my wife has put forth, I am to see a primary care Dr. later this month. This is making me quite anxious and unrested, even to the point where sleeping at night is difficult and I have lost interest in various pursuits. I need/want to find out from others of you the means by which you were able to emerge triumphant over whatever insecurities you had. For me, the triggers would include various invasive tests along with my blood possibly being drawn at that time in addition to going into significant detail with him about matters that I feel quite uncomfortable discussing with anyone and the concern that I will get depressing news. I sometimes feel like I am doing this to simply appease my wife whom I have felt to put pressure upon me to schedule the appointment quickly. Mind you, we remain committed to maintaining and nurturing our marriage (she is > 10 years younger than I am and we have been together for ~ 10 years and there are no children of our own). I last had an appointment 6.75 years ago after being hospitalized for 2 days with bacterial pneumonia. My health insurance coverage is good and generous. I do not have any confirmed clinical anxiety diagnosis but might exhibit some minor Asperger's Syndrome attributes which have not been officially codified. So I ask thus:
How have any of you, especially among the men, been able to become more comfortable in your consultation with the family doctor or specialist? Please include whatever specific steps have been helpful, whether explaining to him/her your insecurities/fears or even just realizing that postponing an appointment could create more complications.
Is it reasonable to ask for alternatives for various procedures considered common for men my age (e.g., colonoscopy, DRE, ECG stress testing) which themselves can cause discomfort/anxiety unless there are serious symptoms already being felt/observed?
Do many of you married men have the experience of your wives pushing/"badgering"/"nagging" you to make that initial phone call to schedule the visit? I felt that sort of pressure for several days. There are those that will only go to the doctor's office if feeling sick; such has been my general mindset. How is it possible to reason with your partners? I don't want my wife to "mother" me as if I were not to be able to make my own well-informed decisions while being of sound mind.
Are there many in this audience that simply were fearful that there would be this dreadful diagnosis of a terminal condition despite not having telltale symptoms of a serious malady or some form of cancer, and how did you get over that apprehensiveness?
My wife's mother suggested that I take Ativan before the appointment or prior to any visits to whatever specialist I might be referred to. Is it common for patients to request a script for it, and if so, what is the benefit of getting the Rx for this kind of medication? I am generally not into drugs of this kind even for short-term usage, but I would under the right circumstances be willing to consider being prescribed it for 1-3 doses. I am likewise uncomfortable with some of its risks.
Thanks for reading this and responding in a sensitive and non-judgmental fashion, but with good substance and reflection, due to my apprehensiveness and discomfort. I will add more in private conversation if asked and I am at ease doing so thereby. --A cat-loving Christian man in the area of info tech support (we have 2 felines in our house)
2020.09.18 21:31 Emotional_NebulaMy partner was diagnosed with Asperger's today - even though that is no longer used in the DSM-5. Any significance to being diagnosed with Asperger's as opposed to ASD?
It's been a long 4 year road getting to the point of diagnosis for my partner, and the diagnosis was not unexpected period in fact, it's kind of a happy thing to have answers finally. He's 44 years old, and this explains so much. So so much. 4 years ago he had a full neurological workup and a neuropsych exam. He was supposed to follow up with a psychiatrist at that time, but didn't - fearing they would just label him with depression as they always have. He went to the psychiatrist today primarily seeking diagnosis & help for his severe ADHD. I could not go to the appointments because of covid restrictions (he usually would have taken me because I asked questions and I'm able to absorb what the doctor is saying a bit more than he can - attention issues). When he got home and I was looking at his paperwork, I saw that he was diagnosed with major depression, ADHD combined type, and asperger's -- in that order. we live in a small town and I don't think this doctor deals with a lot of adult autism. I was surprised to see a diagnosis for something that isn't even the DSM-5, as they switched to ASD back in 2013, I think. so, I am just wondering if there's any significance to the fact that his paperwork says Asperger's instead of ASD. My first thought was that the Asperger's diagnosis actually came as a result of the neuropsych testing in 2016 (he never got to go over the full report with a psychiatrist, so we might not have known if there was a diagnosis that came from the neuropsych testing). or, is it just that this doctor is so out of touch with current ASD diagnostics that she used the word Asperger's instead? Any insight into this would be appreciated!
2020.09.17 22:44 SnooDonuts1528Showing Dad well deserved rest/Relaxation HELP
Hi guys, just hoping to get some advice on building/buying something for my dad. My dad has been amazing to me my sistemum but suffers from mental health issues. He is currently/ has been going through a severe rough patch lately. We usually meet up once a month and talk/have a meal (currently it has been over 3 months with his struggles) I heard he has been wanting to come back soon to watch my partner play Flight Simulator 2020 as he used to use this to relax and he would stay up playing this when I was young. We were hoping to buy this for him as a collective group for his birthday/Christmas, however we don't know if his pc is good to go. It is an older pc and we don't have much in the way of upgrading it funds but can anyone help please? (advice is really needed) 20gb DDRR3 Ram windows 10 64bit (upgrade from 7) GTX 1050ti Am3 Prosessor 4 cores he does have 128gb SSD and 4tb HDD I don't know if this is right as I have been unable to see him for a while (no guests for now) however he would need a new case and fans and power supply I'm trying to think of something that would help him through the tough times as he helped me growing up with all the late night hypo's and social issues (diabetic, Asperger's) I hope this sounds ok as I don't know always how to word things well. Many Many thanks.
2020.09.17 15:15 RoseAvaraNever Dated Before, Can I Get some Help?
Hey there. M18 here. im 5'10 ft tall, skinny, decently cute/handsome face, white skin, introvert, Bisexual, creative, nice sence of humor, ive recently started working out and improving my diet, and i have aspergers. Ive never dated before, let alone had a crush or asked someone out. I would like to know what I should expect when it comes to dating, along with how to attract partners and maintain relationships. most importantly, i would like to know where and how I should start.
2020.09.17 13:58 ReisnoHow I helped my partner detox from 1mg of Ativan with the water titration method back in 2016.
My partner, prior to us meeting, was "prescribed" Ativan in his early 20's. He grew up in a very neglectful and toxic environment with a rampaging alcoholic father, in later years my partner would be diagnosed with schizotypal but his parents completely neglected all of his medical needs and even many of his basic needs. I saw a number of foster care kids over the years that suffered psychologically from this kind of neglect mixed with instability in the home, it takes years to help them rehabilitate from this upbringing, years to learn basic living skills like hygiene and general self-care. Everyone around my partner knew he had special needs, but he was guilted and attacked for being disabled in his country. There is a very real cultural stigma here towards the disabled. Despite this, he taught himself English from cartoons, he tried to teach himself skills to help himself to heal. His mother fully expected him to cure himself of his mental illnesses completely on his own with only dense new-age books to use. New-age faith healing literature back then made him go psychotic, then catatonic for 2 years. Ativan was the only thing that helped him out of his catatonia. He wasn't even allowed to speak to the psychiatrist, his mother's acquaintance, directly. He was told to sit outside the meeting while his mom had social hour with this doctor, as they both gossiped about him behind closed doors. He was also thrown on risperidone at some point too but he detoxed himself off of that one prior to us meeting. His illnesses are perceived as pure laziness here, his relatives didn't even believe he actually knew English. He even taught himself German, though he can only understand it, he can't speak it. Oddly he can pick up some Japanese too like this from cartoons and sometimes he messes with me by saying, "おにいちゃんやめて！いたい！だめだよ！" Which is a line that pops up a lot in some very creepy hentai. He can't read or write in Japanese at all, he picked it up just from watching cartoons. He absorbs languages like this. He is so brilliant and hardworking, he teaches himself so much, but his own culture and family was condemning because he was disabled. I resented this, I hated this so much, so I fled my abusive relatives and country, I am originally from the states, to make my way to him. Before I arrived, he was taking the Ativan inconsistently, no one was helping him take his meds, his mom half-assed got boxes of the meds from her friend when she felt like it but she didn't understand (nor cared to understand) how critical it was for someone to administer these meds to him. He came from a relatively affluent household and he didn't even have a bed to sleep in. It is a special kind of madness in that house. I arrived in August of 2014 and we were given his grandmother's old flat and we lived here ever since. He had to finish his undergraduate studies in Psychology, a major that he picked out of pure desperation to cure himself, at the OU and I supported him in this. He finished his undergraduate with good grades in his 2nd language, a language he taught himself, and these people still didn't respect his merit. I've not met another person in this country yet, much less a disabled one, who was able to teach themselves fluent/native speaker levels of English with no tutoring/learning materials while surviving an unstable environment with neglect and emotional abuse. He had to finish his education in October of 2015 in order for us to begin his detox from Ativan. He was left on Ativan for 5 years, the toll this med took on him and how no one cares, it rips me apart every day. In the fall of 2015 we tried to get assistance from his psychiatrist then, a very old school Eastern European kind of doctor. This doctor used to be in the military, maybe the navy, I'm not sure. But we paid out of pocket for him, we were trying to get help from him to get my partner off of the Ativan, this doctor wrote my partner up a script for Xanax and Effexor and said, in my partner's native language (he knew no English), that there was no hope of my partner ever quitting benzos, all he could do was switch him to a different one. This enraged me, I looked at that script as my partner and I had cheeseburgers together at a lovely burger shop then. That was the same med regimen that I was first put on when I broke down in college. I attempted suicide on Xanax, Effexor contributed to my alcoholism. My partner is very genetically vulnerable to alcoholism, his father's whole side are incredibly debilitated alcoholics and this country enables alcoholism. My partner deserved better than what I got, I didn't want him to suffer the same downward spiral like I did when I turned to dismissive and uncaring psychiatrists for help when I was drowning alone. We ended up paying out of pocket for that appointment and not getting that script filled. While we were on the bus home, my partner on his phone looked up benzo recovery resources, namely water-titration. He researched the protocol, but he wasn't stable enough to implement any of it. Luckily, I am pretty handy and good at chemistry. So that winter we looked up detox schedules with water-titration and we started this detox journey together. We also did the leg work to get my partner out-patient therapy during this detox. The details of this detox are a bit fuzzy because this was a very stressful and scary time period, everyday I feared that my partner would have a seizure or worse, so we went slow and careful. There was one protocol that called for shaving off 1/4 of the dose per week, this was too much too fast so we had to abandon that. We looked up another schedule example, it was in an excel spreadsheet and I modified/printed it out. I started with 100ml of water with 1mg of Ativan, and each day I shaved off 1ml. This worked up to a certain point, when we got to 70% (70ml out of 100ml) of his original dose we ran into problems so we hovered at that dose for several days. The rate of tapering was still too fast and he was having horrible brain fog, gut issues, bewilderment, and irritability, he lashed out at me hard then, I was terrified and struggling to cope with my own issues while I supported him and measured out his meds. I had vivid nightmares everyday from the lingering effects of Seroquel and trauma, back then I was awakened by his yelling or relapsing (he had a very debilitating addiction to pornography that he developed as a child to cope with his upbringing, porn was his only friend growing up, this addiction has since been remedied as well). I only had maybe 4 hours of sleep on average for the first 3 years we were together, none of his relatives (besides his mom throwing some money at us from time to time) helped me help him. I realized that the major brick wall was that Ativan is not water nor fat soluble, I was hand-grinding these pills with a pestle and mortar, but this wasn't cutting it anymore. I tried to dissolve it in milk, this was a bust. Dissolving it in alcohol with our combined vulnerability to alcoholism was not a viable option other. We were in worse shape financially then, and I had to run out and drop a good chunk of change quite hastily on a blender to better blend up these meds. This greatly stabilized the process and we were able to continue. We were getting Ativan pills from his mom, we were never able to get to her local psychiatrist friend directly. This was stressful because she didn't take the whole pill or detox situation seriously. We were very much at the mercy of her whim, luckily she was compliant enough and got us the meds but we had to remind her multiple times ahead of time to make sure we didn't run out. During the wintespring of 2016 my partner was traveling to a town an hour from us on bus for out-patient therapy while he was detoxing from his meds. He was put on Zoloft/Trazadone/Buspar, which stabilized things more, he is still currently on the Zoloft (200mg) and the Trazadone (30mg), the Buspar wasn't really helping him that much and it seemed to make him more bewildered. We were able to continue the detox until we hit another massive brick wall at around 60% of his original dose. I saw that the particles of the pill, though finely ground up, were sinking straight to the bottom even when I shook the contents. This meant that he was getting wildly inconsistent doses despite my measurements. We needed to find some way to dissolve this pill better. I had him hover at this dose for some weeks as we searched for a new thing to try. I had to comb forums and benzo recovery pages, and in these sources I saw discussions of how Ativan was (debatably) soluble in PEG-400/propylene glycol. We tried to buy either of these chemicals from pharmacies but they wouldn't sell it to us. His mother runs a health store and is easily able to get such chemicals wholesale through her connections. We went to her house to get her to order this for us, we didn't know how to order it ourselves. Amazon wasn't an option and the places that sell the stuff are in my partner's native language, which even google translate can barely handle, and my partner was in horrible shape. He couldn't order it himself. We asked her to buy us some propylene glycol so that her son wouldn't have a seizure from this detox. His mother acted so disgusting then, she gossiped about how much of a pussy my partner was for needing a special chemical to help him detox from one little pill to his sister over the phone. They both laughed together over the phone as my partner and I endured that humiliation to get him what he needed to heal. This woman somehow has a masters degree in Pharmacology and Toxicology from her country, and runs a health store and gives people heath advice, but she didn't understand how horrible benzos and detoxing from them are. She refused to understand the toll this all took on her own son. She ordered us a liter of propylene glycol, 10x more than what we needed for the detox, and it only costed her $4. This woman is affluent, and she was petty about $4. I buried my disgust for her actions and integrated 1ml of propylene glycol into the detox. I would hand-grind up the pill in the pestle and mortar with the 1ml of propylene glycol, then I would be very careful to mix up the 100ml of water in the mortar, making sure all of the med was in the solution as much as possible. Then I would throw this into the blender and blend it all up. Then I would subtract the 40ml dose to get it to 60% of his original dose. He took in that dose and he got high, he was high from it, this scared me at first but then I realized just how unstable the dosing was without the propylene glycol. With the addition of the 1ml of propylene glycol, the particles were evenly distributed through the solution. This was a massive game changer, and we were able to step down to 30% of his original dose by fall of 2016. At this point we were able to get a new psychiatrist, a younger gal. She spoke fluent English and him and I attended these appointments together to discuss things. She was a much better doctor, and I still grateful that we found her back then. I showed her the detox schedule and the progress we made, every single detail that I could think to cover. She agreed with the procedure and wrote up a script for diazepam, I nearly teared up. She also got him to an autism specialist, I thought he had aspergers like me at the time, and this too was amazing. He would be later diagnosed with schizotypal by another specialist, him and I both agree with this diagnosis. I transitioned my partner off of Ativan and onto Diazepam for the remainder of his detox. Diazepam stabilized him more because it burns out of the system slower than Ativan, it was far less jarring for him. He fully detoxed in October of 2016. It is nearly 4 years later from then, he is in far better shape than he's ever been in his life, but he still has neurological and gut issues from benzos and from what he has been through. Biotin seems to really help him, especially when he gets bewildered. His relatives still don't take him seriously even after curing himself of so many ailments. He has accomplished so much with so little and they still belittle him. He has written ebooks in English, made e-courses in English to help other people, he has a masters in 3D animation now and is currently teaching himself 3D modeling so he can make those cartoons and animations he has always dreamed of making and they STILL don't take him seriously. They still see him as this lazy and entitled idiot, and it is their loss. It is so hard to not resent them sometimes but we are more distant from them. They are ill, they are ill and warped people, but my partner is not like them. Him and I have fought alone for years to improve our health. For those out there that are struggling to detox from benzos, it is possible, you can make it, even if no one around you believes in you. I know this is a long post, but thank you all for your time and for reading. I hope this post helps others who had or have to make this journey.
2020.09.17 11:06 wishihadthissolvedAITA for not attending my FBIL birthday
My relationship with my FBIL is poor. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years and he’s always made me uncomfortable and not wanted me to be there. He always wanted my SO to himself and would either pretend I wasn’t there or make little comments about it. He’s made no effort to have a relationship with me even when I would try with him. My FMIL thinks that he has aspergers, but they haven’t seen a professional about it. I’m aware that this will affect how he acts in social situations but we have tried explaining that it’s rude how he treats me but he doesn’t stop. He is a difficult character in general but he’s seems ruder to me than anyone else. I have tolerated so much from him without saying anything, which is what my future ILs want me to do as they are not confrontational at all. My FBIL now has a fiancée. He always said my SO and I moved too fast but we started living together after 2 years and they lived together after 2 month and got engaged after 6 months. The hypocrisy is unbelievable. His fiancée is worse than him. She is a compulsive liar which we have caught her out on multiple times and many things she does seems manipulative. She also treats her (and my) FMIL like shit and with no respect. Since they got together, my SO has had little to no relationship with his brother, which is also hypocritical because he always said I stopped their relationship, which isn’t true as I made an effort to give them time together just them. Now that he has a fiancée he’s insisting we go on double dates and meet as a 4 a lot. He won’t meet my SO without his fiancée being there so they have no relationship just them two. He says he wouldn’t expect my SO to meet him without me, which is hilarious as that’s what he wanted the previous 4 years. He also says he wants my SO to have a relationship with his fiancée and he wants a relationship with me and wants to get to know me. I think that is a load of BS because he shouldn’t have wanted to get to know me 5 bloody years ago and it’s only convenient now he’s got a fiancée that he wants my SO to know. I’ve refused to meet as a 4 and said I will only do that once my SO has a relationship with his brother without us being there, as that is the relationship that matters the most. There’s no point meeting as a 4 if they don’t have a relationship. It’s FBIL’s birthday next month and he’s insisting on having a meal just the 4 of us. I’ve said no, but I will go if my future IL’s go as well as they could be a bit of a buffer between me and them and actually make my time enjoyable (I didn’t explain my reasoning to them though). I’ve tried to set boundaries between me and them because they’ve upset me too many times but they don’t respect them at all. He’s now using his birthday as a way to get around them. My partner and IL’s think I should go as it’s his birthday but I don’t want to do that and my SO can go without me if they don’t respect my boundaries or let my IL’s come as well. Should I force myself to go anyway for the sake of it? AITA here?
2020.09.17 00:35 FunRunSunBunWun53F Nt with 52m aspie - 10 years of trying to understand be supportive but now....i am at the end
The reality is not as nice as I would have hoped. Started out 10 years ago with high hopes and love in my heart. I am dreamer, giver and believer in love. Sex has been kinda the main thing keeping our relationship strong. He has Aspergers and just cannot understand how to be a great partner sometimes. His over the top hobbies and constant need to play music from 1985 is getting really old. His hobbies include growing giant pumpkins, mechanical stuff, fixing anything and just puttering around looking for stuff to fix that is not even broken. He has recently been discovered seeking out sex from gay men on male dating sites. Plus, the amount of alcohol consumed is very frightening. Last night his body wreaked of alcohol while he slept.... gross. I don't and never did drink or smoke or do drugs. In fact, I am a health nut. We don't live together because we have kids separate and he was never married or lived with a woman. He had two kids with two different women and never married them. His anxiety level is always high. He has nightmares about "women trying to force him to do something". I am worried about his overall mental state since he also has sleep apnea and sleep walking and bad dreams. One time he slept walk while we were camping and he was also drunk. He ended up sleep walking into the bed and lying in bed of wrong tent. The woman who was in the tent happened to be having sex in a different tent. We were looking all over for him and found him asleep in her tent. The alcohol is 4 nights per week of HEAVY drinking like he cannot stop. He knows he is an alcoholic and stopped drinking totally for 15 years but then started again about 5 years ago. He only stopped I think because he was put in jail for 30 days and lost his drivers license. I am at a loss. I care about him and his mental state. I feel that he is in a bad place and using alcohol for anxiety depression. This sucks. We had a great relationship for 5 years and then the alcohol became is pleasure seeking answer instead of me or sex with me. The sex is gross with a drunk partner. I am so sad and feel like he will just end up dead in a few years if I cannot get him the help he really needs. I care so much that it is hard to leave and just walk away. He is deteriorating each day a bit more. He has shutdowns and the sex is not fun for him anymore. He using the alcohol for fun. Any advice might help. I do believe in miracles but this seems impossible to solve.
2020.09.16 20:22 FunRunSunBunWunMy partner of 10 years (52m) and myself (53f) are having problems
The reality is not as nice as I would have hoped. Started out 10 years ago with high hopes and love in my heart. I am dreamer, giver and believer in love. Sex has been kinda the main thing keeping our relationship strong. He has Aspergers and just cannot understand how to be a great partner sometimes. His over the top hobbies and constant need to play music from 1985 is getting really old. His hobbies include growing giant pumpkins, mechanical stuff, fixing anything and just puttering around looking for stuff to fix that is not even broken. He has recently been discovered seeking out sex from gay men on male dating sites. Plus, the amount of alcohol consumed is very frightening. Last night his body wreaked of alcohol while he slept.... gross. I don't and never did drink or smoke or do drugs. In fact, I am a health nut. We don't live together because we have kids separate and he was never married or lived with a woman. He had two kids with two different women and never married them. His anxiety level is always high. He has nightmares about "women trying to force him to do something". I am worried about his overall mental state since he also has sleep apnea and sleep walking and bad dreams. One time he slept walk while we were camping and he was also drunk. He ended up sleep walking into the bed and lying in bed of wrong tent. The woman who was in the tent happened to be having sex in a different tent. We were looking all over for him and found him asleep in her tent. The alcohol is 4 nights per week of HEAVY drinking like he cannot stop. He knows he is an alcoholic and stopped drinking totally for 15 years but then started again about 5 years ago. He only stopped I think because he was put in jail for 30 days and lost his drivers license. I am at a loss. I care about him and his mental state. I feel that he is in a bad place and using alcohol for anxiety depression. This sucks. We had a great relationship for 5 years and then the alcohol became is pleasure seeking answer instead of me or sex with me. The sex is gross with a drunk partner. I am so sad and feel like he will just end up dead in a few years if I cannot get him the help he really needs. I care so much that it is hard to leave and just walk away. He is deteriorating each day a bit more. He has shutdowns and the sex is not fun for him anymore. He using the alcohol for fun.
2020.09.16 18:26 ReisnoLooking back on it, that love addiction situation I walked away from was a really crappy friendship.
I know I post kind of a lot in here, but this group really helps me process things and I really appreciate it! I am sobering up more from this, and looking back on things I realize that there were a lot of red flags that I just didn't see while I was in the midst of it. Even when we first got on webcam to meet, he made a comment about my accent, I have weird speech issues sometimes. I was a non-verbal autistic kid and had a speech therapist, so my speech gets a bit weird sometimes. He is also autistic and I thought he'd understand that, I let it slide then. He communicated about how he respected and admired what I accomplished despite what I came from, this was something I was so starved for after everything I had been through up until that point. I was 285lbs then and a month prior to meeting this last guy, I was love addicted to someone else and they told me that it was out of line for me to see him as my family. He cut me so deep on a number of occasions but this was the last straw, and we cut contact then. We helped pay for that guy's trip to see us, he even said that it was one of the best times of his life. My partner and I with our limited funds helped pay for this guy's trip to see us and he said it was out of line for me to see him as my family. Something in me snapped and was pretty broken after we cut contact and this other guy I ended up fixated on till last April soothed that hurt. I got very attached very fast because of a few compounding reasons:
I was still hurting over the previous guy being a complete dick.
I was having flashbacks and annual issues from trauma.
I was struggling with depression more then, my treatment for it only just started working then.
My partner and I were in worse shape then, and in need of community but we weren't really healthy enough to reach out to the right places for that community.
He was also diagnosed with aspergers/HFA and I felt belonging with him for that.
Our financial situation was less stable in general and we never wanted financial help from others but this did affect our overall mental stability.
This new guy looked like my first love that I was very addicted to for over a decade, even had some of his mannerisms, it was surreal.
He at first seemed very accepting of the poly situation and of me.
He spent Thanksgiving with me, and I was very traumatized then, I tried to save a 4 year old little boy, my cousin's son, back on Thanksgiving of 2013 from being preyed on by a pervert aunt of mine, I felt like I utterly failed that boy for years. This haunts me every single year, sometimes I see that kid's face on the faces of other little kids around here. This aunt's disgusting face also haunts me. My own mother stopped me from stopping this madness, the repulsive face she made then too, the day when I saw I had no mother, that face haunts me too. The little boy and this new guy had the same name. That too was surreal and that scared the shit out of me at first. Thanksgiving with this new guy went from being the day I failed to protect and save a small child to a day where I fell in love. On a weird level, it felt like life was not only forgiving me, but showing me that day didn't always have to be a day of suffering and pain, but a day of beauty and renewal.
So, all of these variables created a massive and unexpected reaction on a deep level to say the least. Even when this new guy ended up dating someone else, something deep within me wanted to protect him. I wanted to protect him, to look out for him and to make sure he was loved and taken care of. That drive to protect him, to make sure he was loved, that blinded me to a lot of fuckery. The way he described the gal he chose over me, it was like he chose an unbroken version of me. He bragged about her achievements, the things I wanted to do, the things I was fully capable of if I didn't come from a broken and fucked up family, from poverty and pathology. It was like he was saying, "Well she's a better version than you, so, yeah, let's still be friends k?" This messed me up a bit deep down, and I choked that down for months, for a year and a half, to be this guy's friend. I realize now that he didn't really feel anything close to this for spending those holidays with me. He never took the time to understand how this comparison hurt me, nor what I had been through. I had massive fatigue issues that affected my mobility for years, 2019 was the last year that those issues were confining me to bed for hours at a time. I was scared in those moments, when I was too tired to get up, I was afraid that me being dead tired and worn out like that was going to be for the rest of my life. I wrote to him, to feel like he was there with me, so I wouldn't be so afraid, I had to find the power to pull myself up to look out for my partner. Writing to him then felt powerful, it felt empowering. He likely muted all of those moments where I gathered up myself up to limp to the kitchen to cook food, to limp through the tasks I needed to get through. He was never really there during any of it. When he found someone he preferred, he called me a friend but he sidelined me and then he flirted with me here and there, it was confusing. It took me a year and a half to piece things together. I sobbed when I thought he could die, I destabilized over that, that tormented me, and not only could I not do a thing about it, I didn't even matter enough to be notified if he died. I wasn't his friend, it started to pull my mind apart in a particular way when I kept thinking we were friends when that reality hung over me, me knowing that I'd never know if he died. I was a dirty secret. I was once treated as someone beloved to him and then very rapidly, literally the next day, I was a "friend", but that was code for "dirty secret back-up pussy". He never respected my love for him because I was poly, that wasn't congruent with his culture. He saw my feelings as a disposable thing in all likelihood, because that is how they were treated. My partner had this heartfelt conversation with me about it, he saw what this guy meant to me and he understood. He said that if it came down to it, he'd pose as my brother if it meant I could be with that guy. He'd pose as an uncle, he'd step down if it meant I could be with that guy. I can't believe I made my partner feel like that for a guy that treated me like this. In hindsight, this guy didn't deserve that gesture. Not for all of the days where I was in pain and he was absent, not for all of the days where I feared his death and he didn't slow down to take care of himself, not for all of those days I wrote in those digital shadows, wishing him the best of everything with his now fiancee, making sure to the best of my ability that he was loved and looked out for. This last guy objectively did not deserve the love I had for him and that was his choice. He chose that. I gave up poly dating so that my partner never offers to step down for a lesser partner like this again. Many things lined up, almost like some fucked up prophecy, for this last guy to affect me like this. I am grateful I no longer have these assorted vulnerabilities. This is the last love addiction episode, I am mad as hell for being taken for granted and I'm too good for that. My love and what I have to give is seen as less than because I am poly, I don't need that. My partner and I don't need to chase that mirage anymore. He has healed more, so have I, the love I have is a powerful thing, it helped me navigate homelessness and rehabilitate my partner and myself. Learning self-love in 2020 has been a very powerful thing, that is what ultimately broke this last spell for me. I was angry at this guy for some months, not so much at him but that anger was just all over the place because of how many psychological layers he touched on, that wasn't his fault. But these feelings and general sentiments are neutralizing more each day. I wrote out that anger and I deleted those posts, as if to cast those feelings into an open flame. I am happy that I am making progress. I'm not going to sell myself short like this again, I suffered for trying to be this guy's friend, he claimed to not have many friends and claimed that I was the first girl to accept him, he didn't actually value any of that. I got a bit duped, but I feel more self-forgiveness for that. Some months ago, my partner reconnected with the guy that said it was out of line for me to see him as my family, I had lost a lot of weight then while he didn't lose any. He judged me so harshly for being obese and depressed, I had drug resistant depression for 10 years and I struggled with obesity for over 20 years of my life. I beat both of these things in a year for the most part. This guy, the one that said that I was out of line to see him as my family, once said that I'd be "his perfect girlfriend" if I wasn't so fat and depressed. I'm no longer those things but he still is. I didn't judge him for being those things, but he judges himself for that. I loved him dearly once too, but not anymore. He is still a bit of an ass to my partner, I don't contact him much nor do I have much desire to do so. I only chatted with him very shortly for a few minutes, 4 times total, since my partner reconnected with him in March. I was concerned for his health, he is a diabetic and vulnerable to covid 19 as well, but otherwise he irks me. The last time I chatted I showed him how much weight I lost, he mentioned it and I just said, "Yup." I'm down to 191lbs. Now it is time for him to climb those same mountains that he demanded I climb, the same thing goes for the other guy that I cut contact with in April. They both need to climb those mountains within themselves, those same mountains I had to climb to chase their affection and approval. If they climb them, they too will learn self-love like I did, that is what I wish for them both now. I wish for them both to go hard gay for themselves. I wish for them both to reach self-actualization, even though I don't get to see it. Edit: They both, both of these guys, could of had a girlfriend along with dating me. They could of had both the girl to introduce to their conservative parents and they could of had me too. They could have been sandwiched between two lovely ladies and loved up in all the right ways. Christ, for being horny autistic programmers, they sure don't know how to do the math on pussy so well.
2020.09.16 12:24 anxietythrowaway84Low dose stimulant and low dose PRN benzodiazepine considered verboten by most psychiatrists?
Hello! I have been diagnosed with ADHD, Asperger Syndrome (back before the DSM-V) and Panic Disorder. I was diagnosed with the first two towards the beginning of middle school. My mother has a history of anxiety, and I have had anxiety symptoms from my earliest memories, but the clinician who diagnosed me believed that Asperger was the underlying cause of my anxiety, due to the fact that it was linked to unfamiliar environments, change in routine, sensory overstimulation, separation from those with whom I felt comfortable, and when the demands for social interactions exceeded my capacity. This doctor and my parents chose not to medicate the ADHD. They thought that the possibility it would worsen my anxiety symptoms was not worth risking because I was already getting top grades in school (due in part because of an eidetic memory--i was bored shitless in class and read my own books beneath the class textbooks to avoid calling out answers to the teachers' questions). I did well in college and graduate school, but adult life was practically unmanageable. My anxiety also continued to worsen dramatically until I was experiencing debilitating panic attacks which, when combined with fear of them occurring, impaired every aspect of my life. I saw a variety of mental health professionals over many years and ended up trying numerous medications within several different classifications of drugs, including off-label ones and polypharmacy combinations. The net result was negative, given that I felt little to no relief of established symptoms but many unwanted "side" effects as well as a general unwanted sensation of being unnecessarily chemically hammered over the head. I finally found relief when a psychiatrist listened in detail to a history of my life from childhood, along with detailed information about how I'd responded to every medication I'd ever tried, and questionnaires from my parents and partner. The combination that finally worked consisted of two medications; a not-commonly prescribed stimulant (which, unlike others in its class, did not make me feel flat and fatigued) and a less-commonly prescribed low dose benzodiazepine to be taken only when needed (which, unlike others in its class did not make me feel sedated or sad). I don't want to write an autobiography in this post, but suffice to say that so many aspects of my life improved as a result of having my panic attacks held in check and my ADHD symptoms treated. This wasn't my sole opinion either--everyone close to me commented on the difference. I saw factual improvements as well, such as no longer avoiding or leaving certain obligations due to panic or the fear thereof, no longer pissing off my partner by "not paying attention", and no longer losing my wallet or phone every couple of months. In addition, during these years I have never felt the need to ask my doctor to increase my dose of the stimulant, nor the dose or number of the (several) anti-anxiety pills I am prescribed per month, nor have i felt any kind of tolerance, dependence, or addictive "pull" towards these medications. Sadly, my psychiatrist had to quit his practice permanently due to a family situation during the beginning of the COVID pandemic. His colleague, who originally agreed to take over my case, is no longer able to take on any new cases due to COVID. According to my therapist, this is not an uncommon situation. I have a letter written by my psychiatrist that details my situation, and attests that I am stable and need only to continue my current medication regimen without the need for frequent evaluations. However, I have heard that many doctors are wary of prescribing both an ADHD medication and a benzodiazepine, although the situation described involved a patient who was on both a twice-daily benzodiazepine and a very high dose of an immediate-release stimulant. Nor did the patient have a history of poor response to other classes of drugs prescribed for anxiety disorders, as i have had. Any imput would be helpful about this. I am also curious about your impressions of telepsychiatry, as well as if there are any providers that you have heard are reputable. Given the difficulty in finding a new clinician (whether MH-PNP or psychiatrist) these days, I may have to pursue that route in order to maintain continuance of care. Thank you.
2020.09.16 06:48 SnooHedgehogs6236First ever AS partner (28m) as NT (28f) advice please
I’m here because I need help. About a month into my relationship with my partner, his sister told me that he was diagnosed with Aspergers in his early teens. She told me because she could tell I was struggling with our emotional differences and I appreciated her honesty so much. Only downside of this, is he still hasn’t told me. And he doesn’t know that she’s told me. yikes Anywho, after receiving this information I’ve joined forums and read books and tried to educate myself to the fullest extent on what he experiences and how his mind works. He is truly the best human being I have ever met and I have no intention of giving up on him or walking away. He is kind and appreciative and sweet and just the most wholesome, adorable fucking man. I am beyond happy with 98% of our relationship. However, we don’t have sex. We used to. We used to quite regularly. And it was amazing. We both openly expressed that it was the best sex we’d had in our entire lives. But then instead of multiple times a week, it was once a week. Once a week turned into once a fortnight. And now it’s been 7 weeks and 3 days since we last had any kind of sexual intimacy. We still kiss (when I initiate it), and we still hold hands and cuddle. We’ll give each other massages and have bubble baths together. But then we just go to sleep. I’m an extremely sexual person. I’m trying so hard to be patient with this, as I know how much effort he’s putting in to be more tactile with me and more verbally encouraging. But I need sex. Is our relationship doomed? We’re discussing seeing a sex therapist, though I know he’s vehemently against therapy. I just don’t know what to do. I feel betrayed because I feel like he pretended to be what I wanted sexually to trap me, and now that he knows I love him, the mask has been removed. I also know that none of what he’s doing is intentional. I’ve never dated someone that isn’t NT so this is such an overwhelming process. I can 100% see myself spending the rest of my life with him and him fathering my children. He’s perfect in every other way. I don’t know if it’s something we can work on, or if I should just cut my losses and walk away now before we’re any more involved. Someone please help me hahah all my friends and relatives are NT so no one is providing any real perspective.
2020.09.15 16:54 No-Ad-2882How to move forward and improve my self esteem
I have a problem. I'm 27 years old and I never had a girlfriend. When I was in the seventh grade, a girl in my class told me that all of the girls were saying I was ugly, when she told me that, I was really hurt by it. Later on, the same girl said I was ugly and stupid because I was in special education for math. When she said that, my self esteem took a hit. Guys would say a girl liked me but the girl would say eww no and it was a huge amount of girls saying that. I just didn't think girls found me attractive. I just didn't think girls wanted me. For the longest time, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I didn't like what I saw. My mom would call me handsome but I just didn't believe it and I still don't. I'm 27 years old and I don't want life to pass me by. When I see a guy with his female partner, I feel sad, jealous and envious because I want that as well. I really want females to find me attractive. I really want to shake off what was said to me in the seventh grade but for some reason, I can't. I feel like a loser because I'm 27 years old and I never had a girlfriend. I had a goal to find a job and I accomplished that. I currently work two jobs. I also have a goal of getting my own place. I recently found out that I may be on the asperger's spectrum. Can a person on the asperger's spectrum be successful at dating? What should I do to get females to find me attractive? What should I do to successfully approach females and socialize with them to the point that they want to date me? What should I do to be successful at finding a girlfriend? I'm 27 years old and I really don't want life to pass me by. If anyone can reach out to me, I would greatly appreciate it.
2020.09.15 16:15 No-Ad-2882How to make move forward and find a relationship and help my self esteem
I have a problem. I'm 27 years old and I never had a girlfriend. When I was in the seventh grade, a girl in my class told me that all of the girls were saying I was ugly. When she said that, I was really hurt by it. Weeks later, the same girl said I was ugly and stupid because I was in special education for math. When she said that, I felt really low. Guys would say a girl liked me but the girl would say eww no and it was a huge amount of girls saying that. I just didn't think girls found me attractive in school. My confidence around girls in school was really bad because I didn't think any girl wanted me. I couldn't even approach girls in high school because I was still hung up on what my classmate from seventh grade told me. I just think every guy is capable of getting with girls but me. Everytime I see a guy with their female partner, I feel sad, jealous and envious because I want that as well. I really don't want life to pass me by. I have a twin sister and guys find her attractive and it makes me sad because I wish females feel that way about me the way males feel about her. I really want to do what I can to find a girlfriend. I want to shake off what was said to me in seventh grade but I just don't know how. For the longest time, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I didn't like what I saw. I really want to date and find a girlfriend. I had a goal to find a job and I accomplished that. I work two jobs. Other goals I have include getting my own place and earning a degree. I really want to overcome my self esteem issues. I just want females to find me attractive. What should I do to get females to find me attractive? What should I do to successfully approach females and socialize with them? What should I do to to move forward with the past? What should I do to successfully find a girlfriend? I recently found out that I may be on the asperger's spectrum, can a person on the spectrum be successfully at dating? I'm 27 years old and I don't want life to pass me by. If anyone can reach out to me and give me advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
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You have a friend or love with Asperger's (high-functioning autism) and you don't understand him or her, so it's making you crazy! It doesn't have to be that way. Relationship Skills for Couples Affected by Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism: https://www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ Skype Counseling for Strugglin... If you're interested in help for your Aspie relationship, visit me at https://SpectrumRelationships.com Join my Facebook group for neurotypical partners AND ... Relationship Skills for Couples Affected by Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism: https://www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ Skype Counseling for Strugglin... This week we take a humorous look at how my Asperger's sometimes affects my romantic relationship. Like me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Nathan-Selov... Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples - https://www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asper... Understanding asperger relationships is not always easy from the outside. This video is a live Q&A answering some common questions about aspergers intimacy romance and just generally how to ... Relationship Skills for Couples Affected by Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism: https://www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ Skype Counseling for Strugglin...